Tomorrow is our official due date, but as I said, I think we are going to go past that. The saga continues. If by next week A. has not delivered then her doctor wants to induce. So either way we hopefully will be seeing our baby soon. This will be my last post before the long awaited announcement of the birth of our child. I won't bore you with the uncertain amount of days ahead of me. Just check back for the "baby is born" posting.
But doing this countdown has really let me think carefully about my identity as an infertile and what I can pass on to those just beginning this journey. This whole experience has really changed my life. It's given me a perspective and a certain understanding of myself that I am thankful for. Ultimately, the ability to set yourself free as an infertile person comes down to YOU. That's right, numero uno. Here is my number one all time top way to practice the art of being infertile.
TOP TEN WAYS TO PRACTICE THE ART OF BEING INFERTILE:
10. Arm Yourself with Information, But Accept the Unanswerable.
9. Find Other Infertiles.
8. Tune out the noise.
7. It's okay to be angry.
6. Keep Trying.
5. Fulfill Another Dream.
4. Limbo is your middle name.
3. Remember Love.
2. Protect Yourself.
1. Forgive Yourself.
When I think about how important it is for me, after years of pain, to be the strongest person I can for this little baby, I can say without a doubt that I must forgive myself. As an infertile, we experience a sense of failure like no other. We are brought up believing that as a woman our body's innate role in life is to conceive and bear children. We are suppose to be on autopilot when it comes to this. Even for me, as a woman who firmly believes that our femininity is so much more beyond fertility, I feel a sense of betrayal that I was unable to accomplish this biological role. We try and try and try and we fail and fail and fail. At it's core, we battle feeling like this is all our fault.
But of course this imprisons us, puts a weight on our shoulders that is too heavy to carry for the rest of our lives. This whole top ten list has really culminated to an entire program of reorienting yourself. Not only do we have to keep re-strategizing on how to build our family, we also have to re-strategize how we see ourselves.
It's become clearest to me as I approach actually being a mother. When life extends to another life, whether you biologically created it or sought help to create it, this new life is now your responsibility. One becomes two. Now all the regrets and all this anger and all the self-deprication has to take a step aside for this new person who needs you.
Forgive yourself for the miscarriages. Forgive yourself for the Big Fat Negatives. Forgive yourself for putting your career first. Forgive yourself for getting married later in life. Forgive yourself for not trying earlier. Forgive your uterus. Forgive your fallopian tubes. Forgive your eggs.
Peace out ladies.