Thursday, January 28, 2010

Day One

Tomorrow is our official due date, but as I said, I think we are going to go past that. The saga continues. If by next week A. has not delivered then her doctor wants to induce. So either way we hopefully will be seeing our baby soon. This will be my last post before the long awaited announcement of the birth of our child. I won't bore you with the uncertain amount of days ahead of me. Just check back for the "baby is born" posting.

But doing this countdown has really let me think carefully about my identity as an infertile and what I can pass on to those just beginning this journey. This whole experience has really changed my life. It's given me a perspective and a certain understanding of myself that I am thankful for. Ultimately, the ability to set yourself free as an infertile person comes down to YOU. That's right, numero uno. Here is my number one all time top way to practice the art of being infertile.


10. Arm Yourself with Information, But Accept the Unanswerable.
9. Find Other Infertiles.
8. Tune out the noise.
7. It's okay to be angry.
6. Keep Trying.
5. Fulfill Another Dream.
4. Limbo is your middle name.
3. Remember Love.
2. Protect Yourself.
1. Forgive Yourself.
When I think about how important it is for me, after years of pain, to be the strongest person I can for this little baby, I can say without a doubt that I must forgive myself. As an infertile, we experience a sense of failure like no other. We are brought up believing that as a woman our body's innate role in life is to conceive and bear children. We are suppose to be on autopilot when it comes to this. Even for me, as a woman who firmly believes that our femininity is so much more beyond fertility, I feel a sense of betrayal that I was unable to accomplish this biological role. We try and try and try and we fail and fail and fail. At it's core, we battle feeling like this is all our fault.

But of course this imprisons us, puts a weight on our shoulders that is too heavy to carry for the rest of our lives. This whole top ten list has really culminated to an entire program of reorienting yourself. Not only do we have to keep re-strategizing on how to build our family, we also have to re-strategize how we see ourselves.

It's become clearest to me as I approach actually being a mother. When life extends to another life, whether you biologically created it or sought help to create it, this new life is now your responsibility. One becomes two. Now all the regrets and all this anger and all the self-deprication has to take a step aside for this new person who needs you.

Forgive yourself for the miscarriages. Forgive yourself for the Big Fat Negatives. Forgive yourself for putting your career first. Forgive yourself for getting married later in life. Forgive yourself for not trying earlier. Forgive your uterus. Forgive your fallopian tubes. Forgive your eggs.

Forgive yourself.

Peace out ladies.


Meg. said...

This was a beautiful post, TABI. Just beautiful. Thank you for this.

I can't wait until you're holding your baby in your arms. *hugs*

Lisa said...

Tabi - you are amazing and helping me so much! Your sharing has been invaluable to me and I'm sure many others. Forgiveness - seems so simple, but


Expectant Duck said...

Tahnks so much TABI. I have so appreciated and enjoyed the countdown, it is all true and speaks to the heart of me and how I feel.
It is hard, but, when the end comes, when the baby(ies) are here, it will not matter how it happened and only that it did.
Can not wait for the good news.

peesticksandstones said...

It is interesting how, those first weeks/months after my son was born I still felt so raw from the IF/miscarriages. At "new mom" groups, even meeting people on the street I always felt like I needed to add a little asterisk to the joy '' Yeah, well, we waited forever for him" or "He really is a miracle of science" blah blah blah.

But slowly, as he becomes this little person who eats me up with his smiles, and "talks" to me and clearly is so there -- it's like all that negative crap recedes further and further away. Becomes fuzzy around the edges and doesn't matter so much anymore. Not that it wasn't huge and life-changing and awful in so many ways -- but I am healing so much, day by day.

Wishing you guys so much happiness! Cannot wait for the big "she's here!!" post.

lastchanceivf said...

Once again, beautiful.

It is sometimes the most difficult to forgive ourselves--the forgiveness we extend to others is (usually) easy, but man are we hard on ourselves.

I cannot wait to see your birth announcement post!

heartincharge said...

Sigh, you helped me all ten days. I'm glad I found you in time to read this. Thank you for being so selfless to think of others in your last days of it being all about you!
I may print these and save these for the road ahead. I hope you don't mind. Thank you!

Holly said...

Awesome post...will be waiting SOOOO impatiently! Can't wait to hear the wonderful news!

luna said...

amen. sending you all the best as you wait! this is such an amazingly exciting time, with all the anticipation.

I so look forward to your writing about what it was like to hold your child for the first time...

FET Accompli said...

Awesome. I really enjoyed this series of postings. And can't wait to hear the exciting news!!!

Andie said...

Wonderful post, loving the countdown. Especially the forgive yourself and peace out part.

Can't wait for the big announcement!

Peaches said...

Beautiful! Can not wait to see your next post!!!

iyou said...

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