Monday, January 25, 2010

Day Four

I have had to be patient for 3 years. You would think that this would be torture right now waiting out these last days before delivery. But it's not. I've grown so accustom to waiting and not knowing. I have this weird calm in my heart. I don't feel anxious. I trust that the baby will make it here okay. A. has started more contractions and she seems more tired. It could be any day now. Thanks, dear readers, for sticking it out with me.


10. Arm Yourself with Information, But Accept the Unanswerable.
9. Find Other Infertiles.
8. Tune out the noise.
7. It's okay to be angry.
6. Keep Trying.
5. Fulfill Another Dream.
4. Limbo is your middle name.
One thing you have to get use to when being infertile is living in limbo. Living with the absence of control is one of the main skills to learn. It's also, I believe, one of the main culprits for making infertiles feel crazy. Everything about this infertile existence makes you live in grayness, not knowing if, when, why, how it will ever work to get pregnant. All the waiting, all the unknowns, the inability to plan, certainly made me pull hair out, cry, kick and scream. But we all know that if there is an art to being infertile, we can't go around foaming at the mouth or else we will get put away. So after my many tantrums, I had to dig pretty damn deep into myself. How do you remain sane in a world where 1 + 1 doesn't equal 2? I believe this is where inner strength, inner spirituality, and inner depth come into play. This world is full of horrible things. Having faith in something seems so foolish when your experience has shown you that it's impossible to trust anything. But what's the alternative? The darkness I faced was intense and poisonous.

Sometimes life forces us to relinquish control. From that, we have to somehow "just be." It's a state of mind that is hard to reach when there is so much pain, but if you can find spiritual moments like this, it will help. It's about survival. I am not a buddhist, but I know that one of it's principles is that life is about suffering. We crave certain state of affairs to not exist. Suffering ends when craving ends. This would be a state of enlightenment. I can't say I have the answer to getting there, but I do know that without a larger perspective on life, infertility will lead to deep depression and hopelessness that can be dangerous. The limbo won't go away, so if you are feeling the darkness, get professional help, find support groups, pray, meditate, dig deep.


luna said...

first of all, anyone who claims enlightenment *clearly* has more work to do. ha!

this could also be called "embrace the uncertainty" as a state in which anything and everything can happen (including positive things). I repeatedly told myself I was prepared and open for the best possible outcome. but it is a challenge to truly believe it.

heartincharge said...

Just want to say that this countdown has been awesome. I found your blog right at the beginning of it. Day 9 is what finally convinced me to start my own blog so I could communicate with other infertiles and not just read.
And Day Four - well today just summed my day, as my RE postponed my cycle.
Thank you for being a wonderful example of 'keep trying"

TABI said...

Luna, you are absolutely right! In the state of just being, anything can happen - good or bad. Who would have thought I would find these two women to help me make a baby?

Holly said...

Well, I'm glad you're being patient, because I'm sure not!!!

Can't wait to hear the big news!

And of course,the baby will come when they're ready...mine was 41 weeks and a day-I sure hope you don't have to wait THAT long, sounds like you won't :) I think tomorrow may be the day-just a feeling I have.