She's here!

Introducing Mira, born February 2, 2010 - 8lbs 8oz! We are all doing great and just been too crazy to post. Will hopefully be able to post more later this week when I am less in shock! For privacy reasons I am just posting her little foot, but she's 100% cute. Thank you all for waiting so patiently with me. She's finally here.

Day One

Tomorrow is our official due date, but as I said, I think we are going to go past that. The saga continues. If by next week A. has not delivered then her doctor wants to induce. So either way we hopefully will be seeing our baby soon. This will be my last post before the long awaited announcement of the birth of our child. I won't bore you with the uncertain amount of days ahead of me. Just check back for the "baby is born" posting.

But doing this countdown has really let me think carefully about my identity as an infertile and what I can pass on to those just beginning this journey. This whole experience has really changed my life. It's given me a perspective and a certain understanding of myself that I am thankful for. Ultimately, the ability to set yourself free as an infertile person comes down to YOU. That's right, numero uno. Here is my number one all time top way to practice the art of being infertile.

TOP TEN WAYS TO PRACTICE THE ART OF BEING INFERTILE:

10. Arm Yourself with Information, But Accept the Unanswerable.

9. Find Other Infertiles.

8. Tune out the noise.

7. It's okay to be angry.

6. Keep Trying.

5. Fulfill Another Dream.

4. Limbo is your middle name.

3. Remember Love.

2. Protect Yourself.

1. Forgive Yourself.

When I think about how important it is for me, after years of pain, to be the strongest person I can for this little baby, I can say without a doubt that I must forgive myself. As an infertile, we experience a sense of failure like no other. We are brought up believing that as a woman our body's innate role in life is to conceive and bear children. We are suppose to be on autopilot when it comes to this. Even for me, as a woman who firmly believes that our femininity is so much more beyond fertility, I feel a sense of betrayal that I was unable to accomplish this biological role. We try and try and try and we fail and fail and fail. At it's core, we battle feeling like this is all our fault.

But of course this imprisons us, puts a weight on our shoulders that is too heavy to carry for the rest of our lives. This whole top ten list has really culminated to an entire program of reorienting yourself. Not only do we have to keep re-strategizing on how to build our family, we also have to re-strategize how we see ourselves.

It's become clearest to me as I approach actually being a mother. When life extends to another life, whether you biologically created it or sought help to create it, this new life is now your responsibility. One becomes two. Now all the regrets and all this anger and all the self-deprication has to take a step aside for this new person who needs you.

Forgive yourself for the miscarriages. Forgive yourself for the Big Fat Negatives. Forgive yourself for putting your career first. Forgive yourself for getting married later in life. Forgive yourself for not trying earlier. Forgive your uterus. Forgive your fallopian tubes. Forgive your eggs.

Forgive yourself.

Peace out ladies.

Day Two

I wish I had news to tell. We are getting close. Friday will be day zero - blast off - but I have this feeling that this January baby might end up being a February baby. A. is having some more contractions but no alarm bells yet. She usually delivers right on her due date or later. So I am settling in to watch the second season of Mad Men because this could still be a while.

TOP TEN WAYS TO PRACTICE THE ART OF BEING INFERTILE:

10. Arm Yourself with Information, But Accept the Unanswerable.

9. Find Other Infertiles.

8. Tune out the noise.

7. It's okay to be angry.

6. Keep Trying.

5. Fulfill Another Dream.

4. Limbo is your middle name.

3. Remember Love.

2. Protect Yourself.

If the public likes to portray fertility treatments and third party parenting as the wild wild west of baby-making, well then I say, be ready for a showdown. I tend to be pretty hardcore about this because I feel it should be our number one priority to protect ourselves - not only from the obvious assholes, not only from the well-meaning unintentional boobs, but also from the POTENTIAL pain that people could inflict. I am a strong believer in pre-emptive strikes. This is not to say you must be afraid all the time, it means you must know yourself.

I knew that certain social engagements were not going to be good for me and I stayed clear of them. I knew certain people were going to have kids before me and I mentally prepared myself for that pain. I knew certain people were not capably of handling tragic situations so I avoided them. Frankly, I put my needs before everyone else because in the end, it's not going to kill people if I don't go to their baby shower, or I don't hang out with them during the 9 months of their pregnancy, or I don't listen to their parenting talk. They will survive. On the other hand, if I forced myself to do these things out of guilt or obligation, I would be intensifying my pain 100 fold. Why do it? My sanity is more important to me. Cancel the dinners. Make nice excuses. I have even honestly explained to pregnant friends that I need space because I value our friendship too much. In my most extreme protective state, my logic is that for the people who I love but who could potentially hurt me, the last thing I want is to hate them. If they were to say or do something to hurt me that hate could become very real. My defense is that I am protecting myself but I am also protecting them.

Don't feel guilty. Everyone has their own level of tolerance. I understand the logic that we shouldn't hold grudges or be jealous or not support our pregnant friends. I agree with this theoretically. In practice, we are all human, so know your limits.

Day Three

As I sit in our hotel room trying to occupy myself, I smile as I look at my husband with his headphones on doing a conference call for work. Originally the plan was going to be that I would travel here first before my husband so he could save as many days possible to take off for paternity leave. He was going to fly out closer to the due date. When planning this all, I sort of cringed at the idea of sitting in a hotel room by myself trying not to go mad with boredom. My husband knows me well. He was able to work it out so he could work remotely up until delivery, hence, keeping me company in these final days. Granted, I might have done some whining that compelled him to work out this situation, but I know he also feels better being here. I look at him working so hard and trying to finish up everything so he can really enjoy our baby and I think to myself, "I got lucky. He's a good one."

TOP TEN WAYS TO PRACTICE THE ART OF BEING INFERTILE:

10. Arm Yourself with Information, But Accept the Unanswerable.

9. Find Other Infertiles.

8. Tune out the noise.

7. It's okay to be angry.

6. Keep Trying.

5. Fulfill Another Dream.

4. Limbo is your middle name.

3. Remember Love.

It's cliché, but it's true, all you need is love. In the robotic and sterile nature of doing IVF, it's easy to forget the emotion motivating this all. You and your partner love each other and want to create a family out of that love. Though this experience could easily tear couples apart, I do think that my husband and I have grown stronger in our love through this craziness. There is nothing that tests a relationship more than surviving an insanely difficult life experience together. I find it incredibly frustrating when there is criticism of fertility treatments claiming selfishness or vanity as a driving factor. The media and general public seem to always forget that infertility stories are in fact love stories.

As much as I tend to focus on my own heartbreak from infertility, I try to remember that this is both me and my husband's journey. He lost the pregnancies too. He got his hopes up with every BFP too. He watched me suffer through all the shots and surgeries. He held me tight as I cried and cried and cried. He stayed positive in the midst of my complete despair. He didn't toss me aside for a younger more fertile woman. He still sees our baby as "ours" despite that she's not my egg. He still loves me. Infertility plagues both men and women, whoever medically is diagnosed as "infertile." I try to remember that as much as I can when I get into the "me, me, me" mode. I could not have made it through this without the love we have for each other.

Day Four

I have had to be patient for 3 years. You would think that this would be torture right now waiting out these last days before delivery. But it's not. I've grown so accustom to waiting and not knowing. I have this weird calm in my heart. I don't feel anxious. I trust that the baby will make it here okay. A. has started more contractions and she seems more tired. It could be any day now. Thanks, dear readers, for sticking it out with me.

TOP TEN WAYS TO PRACTICE THE ART OF BEING INFERTILE:

10. Arm Yourself with Information, But Accept the Unanswerable.

9. Find Other Infertiles.

8. Tune out the noise.

7. It's okay to be angry.

6. Keep Trying.

5. Fulfill Another Dream.

4. Limbo is your middle name.

One thing you have to get use to when being infertile is living in limbo. Living with the absence of control is one of the main skills to learn. It's also, I believe, one of the main culprits for making infertiles feel crazy. Everything about this infertile existence makes you live in grayness, not knowing if, when, why, how it will ever work to get pregnant. All the waiting, all the unknowns, the inability to plan, certainly made me pull hair out, cry, kick and scream. But we all know that if there is an art to being infertile, we can't go around foaming at the mouth or else we will get put away. So after my many tantrums, I had to dig pretty damn deep into myself. How do you remain sane in a world where 1 + 1 doesn't equal 2? I believe this is where inner strength, inner spirituality, and inner depth come into play. This world is full of horrible things. Having faith in something seems so foolish when your experience has shown you that it's impossible to trust anything. But what's the alternative? The darkness I faced was intense and poisonous.

Sometimes life forces us to relinquish control. From that, we have to somehow "just be." It's a state of mind that is hard to reach when there is so much pain, but if you can find spiritual moments like this, it will help. It's about survival. I am not a buddhist, but I know that one of it's principles is that life is about suffering. We crave certain state of affairs to not exist. Suffering ends when craving ends. This would be a state of enlightenment. I can't say I have the answer to getting there, but I do know that without a larger perspective on life, infertility will lead to deep depression and hopelessness that can be dangerous. The limbo won't go away, so if you are feeling the darkness, get professional help, find support groups, pray, meditate, dig deep.

Day Five

So we are at the halfway mark until due date, but no labor yet. We see A.'s OBGYN tomorrow so we'll have a better sense of how she is doing. It's time to get A. some spicy food and do some major walking around!

TOP TEN WAYS TO PRACTICE THE ART OF BEING INFERTILE:

10. Arm Yourself with Information, But Accept the Unanswerable.

9. Find Other Infertiles.

8. Tune out the noise.

7. It's okay to be angry.

6. Keep Trying.

5. Fulfill Another Dream.

When you are so focused on the dream of a baby, it's hard to remember that there are other parts of your life that you held dreams for. As an infertile, it's easy to become one-dimensional and lose other parts of yourself. It's hard to battle the tunnel vision of baby-making, but we can be infertile and still continue to grow in other ways. I was forced to put so many things on hold while doing IVF - career decisions and vacations, to name a few. But for me, in 2009 I made a decision to stop feeling stagnant. I travelled to Prague and Hawaii, two places I always dreamed of going to. I've dreamt of playing in a band, writing a book, learning to swim with confidence, going on a safari, editing a great film, mastering fluency in French, being a good debater, owning a lake house, and much much more. Hopefully some of these I'll be able to achieve as well someday. Life is full of dreaming and when you are in the pit of despair and failure it's the perfect time to go fulfill something else on the list. No matter how small that dream might be, try to remember something else besides a baby you always wanted to do. Then do it.

Day Six

It's funny the power of suggestion. When marathon runners hit a wall, I know the cheers and screams of encouragement from the crowds help them get through the barrier. It is hard to know when to quit and when to keep pushing your body. I always wished a doctor would just say, "Stop. It's not going to work," to let me off the hook. But of course part of me would die if I heard those words too. My heart seemed to say never stop fighting to have your family, whatever means you decide to build it. I know that those who love me felt the same. I am evidence of someone on paper who looked like a complete failure but still figured out a way to make it happen.

TOP TEN WAYS TO PRACTICE THE ART OF BEING INFERTILE:

10. Arm Yourself with Information, But Accept the Unanswerable.

9. Find Other Infertiles.

8. Tune out the noise.

7. It's okay to be angry.

6. Keep Trying.

It may seem obvious, but part of being infertile is about "trying to conceive." Trying is the operative word. Failure after failure doesn't give us much motivation to keep going, but I think if you want to have a family, you will find your way. I don't mean to say that you should push yourself to a point where this battle becomes truly dysfunctional or dangerously toxic to your life. We all know how addictive this is and I think it's a very personal decision when to stop or when to change gears and try some alternative family building. You will know when you reach that point, and there are of course plenty of people who chose not to have kids at all in the end.

If you had asked me 3 years ago if I thought I could handle 5 IVFs or using donor egg or surrogacy, my heart would have sank, my eyes would glaze over, and I would be completely overwhelmed by the prospects. I am not sure I would have had the strength to embark on this journey knowing how hard it would be. I hit so many road blocks, each making we give up a little more of myself, a little more of my dreams, a little more of my heart. I am surprised I kept trying. I kept re-strategizing and reorienting myself to what family means. I made compromises and I gave up preset notions of how this is all suppose to work. But you never forget the blood, sweat, and tears. Even when you ultimately conceive, carry, and give birth to a healthy genetic child, you don't generally abandon the infertility camp. We all remember how much hard work it took.

Like any great challenge, cheerleaders are always appreciated. It's always good to have people reassuring us that we are not masochistic fools that have some sort of death wish. Sadly, no fertile person in my life actually ever said the words "Keep Trying." I think they felt like maybe that was condescending or giving false hope. But for me, it's powerful to hear the words - "YOU WILL HAVE YOUR FAMILY." It's a very simple statement and I think it means the world to hear this when you feel hopeless, distraught, and exhausted.

Just remember, by definition the word infertile may mean "unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy," but there is no mention whatsoever in the definition of not having a family.