Friday, September 26, 2008

Under Cover IVF

I thought about keeping this one completely under wraps. Somehow if I told no one then it would cease to exist. But as much as I would like to keep my mouth shut, I decided I should at least acknowledge the try. After all my flip flopping on this blog, I ended up trying a fourth IVF this month. The idea was that while I wait for my surrogate match I could squeeze in one last try and by some miracle I could make this nightmare end with a healthy pregnancy. Sadly, this is not my story.

Today I officially have a chemical pregnancy. The cycle itself was a total bust to begin with. We only got 4 eggs and only 1 fertilized and so we transfered a mediocre 5 cell embryo. The day I transfer my lone embryo I caught a nasty ass cold/flu and ended up sick for my entire two week wait. I was assured this would not effect anything, but I knew it was another sign that this cycle was a dud one. Also, that same week of retrieval and transfer we got a call from our agency saying they had some surrogate candidates for us. The last thing I wanted was all of this to converge the same week. We had to decide in a matter of hours between canceling the cycle or losing our surrogate candidates. But luckily our agency was so understanding and said we could finish out this cycle and then decide. Surrogacy was pushing its way back into my life and I had a feeling it was foreshadowing an IVF failure. But some lessons have to be learned the hard way. The story ends with, against all these odds, a positive beta (albeit very low which we all know means trouble). It all happened so fast. The cycle zoomed by in its own disastrous way just as quickly as my one day of pregnancy slipped by. As much as a chemical pregnancy is no picnic in the park, it beats an ectopic any day. So when you've gone through so much loss, it comes down to what type of loss is less painful and you take what you can get. Isn't there some trophy or ribbon for being "Semi-Pregnant" all the time? Who says "No pain, no gain?"My life is all about "pain and no gain."

So I feel this is like some confessional blog posting as I've been keeping this a secret and finally get to tell the truth. I didn't tell anyone but my sister and parents about this attempt. We all know what it's like living with this secret. I can now admit freely that I caved in and fell victim once again to the lure of IVF. I knew the risks and I still did it. But have I become so jaded that this loss means nothing? I don't feel like crying. I don't really even count this one, so have I lost part of my heart already? I don't know what this means but I find that it's unbearable to think about it any other way besides the-IVF-cycle-that-didn't-really-happen. It's like the bastard child kept in hiding. It was just so bad and pointless that I'd like to pretend I never did it. But as much as I would like to sweep this one under the rug, I feel I should honor this brief and somewhat ridiculously short-lived pregnancy.

So after so much bullshit and IVF fiascos, how can I view the universe without total bitterness and hatred? I don't want to be that dismal person who keeps waving a fist up at the heavens with steam coming out her ears. So throwing myself back into surrogacy is the best way to cope. I have to believe that the universe brought these possible gestational carriers to my attention for a reason and that my path, no matter how much I want to fight it, is going to go down this surrogacy road. Instead of picking out names and preparing for a May due date, I am going through profiles of women who will try to carry my baby. Will this ever end?