Friday, September 26, 2008

Under Cover IVF

I thought about keeping this one completely under wraps. Somehow if I told no one then it would cease to exist. But as much as I would like to keep my mouth shut, I decided I should at least acknowledge the try. After all my flip flopping on this blog, I ended up trying a fourth IVF this month. The idea was that while I wait for my surrogate match I could squeeze in one last try and by some miracle I could make this nightmare end with a healthy pregnancy. Sadly, this is not my story.

Today I officially have a chemical pregnancy. The cycle itself was a total bust to begin with. We only got 4 eggs and only 1 fertilized and so we transfered a mediocre 5 cell embryo. The day I transfer my lone embryo I caught a nasty ass cold/flu and ended up sick for my entire two week wait. I was assured this would not effect anything, but I knew it was another sign that this cycle was a dud one. Also, that same week of retrieval and transfer we got a call from our agency saying they had some surrogate candidates for us. The last thing I wanted was all of this to converge the same week. We had to decide in a matter of hours between canceling the cycle or losing our surrogate candidates. But luckily our agency was so understanding and said we could finish out this cycle and then decide. Surrogacy was pushing its way back into my life and I had a feeling it was foreshadowing an IVF failure. But some lessons have to be learned the hard way. The story ends with, against all these odds, a positive beta (albeit very low which we all know means trouble). It all happened so fast. The cycle zoomed by in its own disastrous way just as quickly as my one day of pregnancy slipped by. As much as a chemical pregnancy is no picnic in the park, it beats an ectopic any day. So when you've gone through so much loss, it comes down to what type of loss is less painful and you take what you can get. Isn't there some trophy or ribbon for being "Semi-Pregnant" all the time? Who says "No pain, no gain?"My life is all about "pain and no gain."

So I feel this is like some confessional blog posting as I've been keeping this a secret and finally get to tell the truth. I didn't tell anyone but my sister and parents about this attempt. We all know what it's like living with this secret. I can now admit freely that I caved in and fell victim once again to the lure of IVF. I knew the risks and I still did it. But have I become so jaded that this loss means nothing? I don't feel like crying. I don't really even count this one, so have I lost part of my heart already? I don't know what this means but I find that it's unbearable to think about it any other way besides the-IVF-cycle-that-didn't-really-happen. It's like the bastard child kept in hiding. It was just so bad and pointless that I'd like to pretend I never did it. But as much as I would like to sweep this one under the rug, I feel I should honor this brief and somewhat ridiculously short-lived pregnancy.

So after so much bullshit and IVF fiascos, how can I view the universe without total bitterness and hatred? I don't want to be that dismal person who keeps waving a fist up at the heavens with steam coming out her ears. So throwing myself back into surrogacy is the best way to cope. I have to believe that the universe brought these possible gestational carriers to my attention for a reason and that my path, no matter how much I want to fight it, is going to go down this surrogacy road. Instead of picking out names and preparing for a May due date, I am going through profiles of women who will try to carry my baby. Will this ever end?


alicia said...

oh no. i am sorry. I understand why you did it secretly though, this must just be so draining for you. I really hope your meetings with the surogates goes well.

Intending To Be Parents said...

I'm so sorry to hear that this did't work out. You shouldn't feel at all bad about keeping it under wraps though. IVF really does have such a lure - maybe that next one will be it... it's hard to know when to say when. But when we said "when", and turned to surrogacy, it seemed like the planets all aligned or something and for once good things started to happen. Sure life is filled with obstacles no matter what, but we really feel like this was the best way for us. I say if it feels right, best to go with that feeling. So hopefully this is going to be what works for you! Sending you good wishes for a perfect match!

luna said...

wow, you really did keep that under wraps. sorry you didn't have better news to share. another loss is so disappointing, but I'm grateful for you that it wasn't ectopic again. and at least you are not out of options.

Sue said...

I'm so sorry you've had the experience of another chemical, but I completely understand why you wanted to cycle again. I think it's really important to know that you've tried everything before moving on to a different option. I know this has been a long and arduous path for you, but something will work out in the end, even if it's not exactly what you expected. I hope you find a wonderful surrogate to help you - good luck!

Melanie said...

It makes me just want to bitch slap the universe. Hell yes, I understand your desire to keep this under wraps. I felt exactly the same way. You get to a point with this crap that the I'm sorry's are too much and seeing it in print is too sad. It's like opening yourself up for pity. Don't know if that's your feeling but it certainly was mine. I'm not going to say I'm sorry this cycle didn't work, "I'm sorry" to me now doesn't come close to conveying what I want it to. I'm mad for you. Pissed off that it's so difficult.

Shinejil said...

Though you've had a lot more to deal with than I have, I can totally relate to the "when will this shit end?" feeling. It all just sucks.

I hope your new path goes a thousand times more smoothly.

Ms Heathen said...

I can understand both why you wanted to do another cycle, and why you wanted to keep that decision to yourself, Tabi.

I am so sorry that this cycle ended the way it did, but glad that you are able to keep moving forward with the surrogacy.

Duck said...

I sorta thought something was up, sometimes it's good to go through a lot and keep it all to yourself, somehow it makes it less like it's actually happening.
This sucks, I'm sorry that it's another ivf that didn't give you that happy ending. It's hard this endless cycle, so much of it is hard, and sometimes it feels like it's always going to rain and that we will never be happy (or maybe I'm just talking about me here). Letting go of that hope of being the person to carry your child, it's such a struggle.

Regardless, you can email me if you need an "ear" I'm still living, still struggling, but believe it or not, I will never be pregnant, and finally i'm beginning to accept, there is some hope for life after ivf. (

Andie said...
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Andie said...

Oh no. (I know, behind the times). But I am still so sorry to read this. So sorry for your loss and all you have been through.

I really want to ask if you have been tested for natural killer cell activity? It is common in people with APS.

Good luck with your surrogacy candidates. I look forward to reading about your journey.

Sky said...

Hey there, just stumbled onto your blog and want to offer you some support in what - I KNOW - is a brutal time.

But I also wanted to ask how you might know if it's actually your egg quality that's the problem vs. uterine issues? Has that been tested to rule that out first?

Because otherwise, the surrogacy won't wory either and the alternative may be donor eggs that you would carry (if you're okay with that, which many people aren't).

Anyhoo, much much luck to you, whatever path you chose!