Wednesday, March 5, 2008

The Wait



This crap shoot we call "reproduction" involves a hell of a lot of waiting. Yesterday's transfer went well and so I have officially begun my 2 week wait. I now lay in bed dreaming of my three embryos starting their new adventure. I envision my uterus saying "Welcome aboard!" like a perky cruise ship director pointing my three embies toward the sunny deck chairs where they can plop themselves down, order a margarita, and grow. I make sure my uterus informs them of the cruise ship's strict policies. Number one - absolutely no one is allowed down either of these fallopian tubes. They may look enticing but they only lead to darkness and your imminent death. Second - no jumping ship, there are no life rafts. Once on board, stay on board. Then my ship sets sail into the beautiful horizon and all together we take our slow boat to China.  

So when I think of this long boat ride with hours, days, weeks looking out onto open ocean waters with no end, I can't help but log everything that I've waited for and will have to wait for in this infertility process. In reviewing all these waiting moments, the only thing I know for sure is that this experience has required something beyond patience. A new word should be invented to describe this kind of waiting because there is nothing in the English language that really comes close to describing it. 
  • 3 minutes waiting for a home pregnancy test result (10 min if you fish it out of the trash to check one more time that it didn't suddenly change to positive).

  • 30 minutes to an hour waiting at my fertility clinic to be called in for my blood tests and ultrasounds.

  • 7 to 9 hours waiting for the nurse's phone call telling my results for every test.

  • 3 days waiting to see if my embies survived.

  • 2 weeks waiting to know if my beta is positive. Then weeks more waiting to see if your beta doubles, then weeks more waiting to get through your ultrasounds. Altogether potentially 9 more months of waiting through an endless slew of tests before I finally, maybe, possibly, hopefully have a live baby.

  • 11 weeks waiting for my miscarriage to get to zero.

  • 15 weeks waiting for my ectopic to get to zero.

  • 3 years waiting to get pregnant - not half ass pregnant, really pregnant.

  • 23 years waiting for pregnancy to finally give my tiny chest a chance for real boobs only to be foiled by infertility.

  • Waiting for what feels like an eternity for my luck to change.

13 comments:

Melanie said...

May I add further to your list of do's for the fab three:

1. They may not read gossip magazines because, no, life would not be better in J-Lo's belly.
2. Absolutely no pottery barn kids. Embryos are frightened of mini kitchen sets.
3. The ocean may look pretty, but it's a scary place. Stay in the deck chairs.
4. No playing on or around the life boats. Accidents happen.
5. Insist they wear sunscreen. They shouldn't start out their 9 months with blisters.

Godspeed on your 2ww. It really ain't so bad (she says as she nears the end of her own 24 month, er two week wait.)

Beagle said...

I feel for you . . . I hope THIS wait is worth the wait.

JellyBelly said...

i'm crossing my fingers, toes and eyes that your eggies listen to the cruise director!

luna said...

love the image! and the groundrules. welcome aboard passengers!

and yes, a new word for patience is definitely needed, because this goes way beyond that. if you think of it -- or create an image to depict it -- do let us know.

hope you find some good ways to distract yourself during this latest wait. ~luna

Ms Heathen said...

The waiting is so difficult - it's hard not feel as if you're in constant limbo.

Wishing you all the very best with this next wait. Here's hoping that those embies listen to the instructions they've been given and settle themselves down on the deck chairs for a nine-month cruise!

Ahuva Batya said...

So painfully true. I hope that Vicki the Cruise Director is providing your embryos with lots of shuffleboard, Issac is giving them the ever-optimistic "two finger guns," and they get to eat every meal at Captain Stubing's table.

How about "Ferpatience?"

I am wishing you the best and most successful 2WW. It's so hard, the waiting. Hey, didn't Tom Petty say that?

Amy said...

You crack me up! I wish I could write half as good as you!

this one made me laugh out loud (as I feel the SAME way)

"23 years waiting for pregnancy to finally give my tiny chest a chance for real boobs only to be foiled by infertility"

Duck said...

Love the ground rules, i will have to remember them once my embies make their trip to the uterus. Best of luck with the wait, may it pass quickly.

Lisa said...

2ww!!! Wishing you all the best!

Pamela Jeanne said...

Great post as always...wishing you all the best and many good distractions over the next two weeks.

Carrie said...

The waiting is so awful. Especially these two weeks.
I love the rules to your embryos. I think being the boss so early on is definitely the way to go. I think I'll go and set the ground rules for mine to!

peesticksandstones said...

I soooo love your cruise ship image -- mind if I borrow that for my next cycle?

The numbers thing is bananas. I've been giving that a lot of thought lately -- how I spent the first 30 years of my life obsessed with my weight, my clothing size, my BMI, etc. And now it's all about follicle size, beta numbers. You know, more ways to have to 'measure up' woman-wise. Grrr.

Wishing you well in the next two weeks!

Shauna Wagner said...

Good luck on this cycle - the waiting really SUCKS! Shauna