Saturday, March 15, 2008

Victory, but the war isn't over


So Little Miss Positive prevailed and slaughtered Darth Negative. Yes, it is a BFP, however I say this with much much caution. My beta is pretty low at 50 so my heart won't believe this is real until we see this number get higher. This morning as I barely got myself out of bed to get to my clinic I noticed some brown spotting. This proceeded to catapult me into a major melt down as I cried all morning waiting for the dreaded call from the nurse. I felt ruin and despair all over again. My heart was broken, and still might be, and my reasons come from experience. I've been down this road before.

A. I had a low beta with my ectopic. I am praying with every cell in my body that this is not ectopic. Please join me in the plea that I will be spared this experience all over again.

B. The brown spotting I also had with my ectopic. Again, I am praying with every cell in my body that this is not ectopic. Please join me in the plea that I will be spared this experience all over again.

C. I am worried the low beta might also mean it is chemical or miscarrying. My last IVF pregnancy, that was indeed in the uterus, had a beta well above 200.

So this is good news and bad news. In my heart, I am half acknowledging that this may not be viable and the other half is still hanging on to some hope that every pregnancy is different. I am in the heinous gray zone and until Monday's 2nd beta we won't know if this is just a small win that will quickly fade back into combat or we are at the start to finally finishing this war. 

17 comments:

shinejil said...

I'm really hoping this all turns out well. Any chance you might lend out Little Miss Positive?

I know the next few days are going to be really hard. My thoughts are with you.

luna said...

I am sending you all the best for your numbers to keep on doubling. you know every pregnancy is different so no need to compare them, but I know that's easier said than done. wishing you all positive thoughts to continue fighting the war! ~luna

Melanie said...

Dammit, I wish this were easier. I know it will seem like weeks until Monday. I'll be saying big prayers and calling all rebel fighters for you. Hang in there. Third time's a charm, you know.

Mrs.X said...

I know all about holding out hope - I will say, though, that with my first pregnancy, my beta was 35 and I ended up having a relatively normal pregnancy, until it ended due to a chromosomal abnormality (which I don't think was in any way related to the low beta).

I may not provide any comfort whatsoever, but I am hoping for you.

Carrie said...

I'm sorry it isn't a little easier to be happy right now.
Will be thinking of you and hoping for a little more reassuring news on Monday.

JellyBelly said...

i hope that you can find enough distraction until monday. my vote is with little miss positive, i totally think that she's going to win this one!!!

The Dunn Family said...

Hoping that that number doubles beautifully for you! My cousin had a first beta of 50 exactly, and now has a 15 month old daugther at home!

JuliaS said...

It all has to start off from somewhere right? Love the visual - that light saber wielding BFP!

Hoping the weekend passes by quickly for you and Monday brings you some very encouraging news.

Fertilized said...

I am cheering on lil Miss Positive and doubling for you next beta. Sending my request to the beta gods!!

JJ said...

YAHOOOO! Defeat=) (in a good way of course)
Keep rising!

tobacco brunette said...

Oh, I'm so hoping this all works out well for you and that this weekend hasn't been total torture for you. Particularly wishing and hoping against the ectopic scenario. I know how awful that is. Hang in there.

Journeywoman said...

I'm really hoping all turns out all right.

peesticksandstones said...

Oh, how I've always envied those folks who get the first beta of like gazillion! But 50, according to my clinic, is a great number -- what they like to see.

Will be thinking of you -- wishing for the best!

Ahuva Batya said...

I am praying and praying with you that the number continues to go up. Thinking of you. The waiting and worrying will be so hard,I can only imagine, but we are all here with you.

Jess said...

Hi, I just found your blog today and have only read the most recent posts so far. I LOVED your video!! I think it's even easier to love it now that I read about your BFP! I hope you have a ginormous beta next time around.

Working Girl said...

I am sending out a huge prayer that this is not ectopic or chemical. I am hoping this little runt is growing stronger by the day.

beagle said...

Fingers crossed!

(very clever photo depiction!)