Monday, March 24, 2008

Gray Land



Welcome to my world of gray. I've been to this strange land before. It's eerily familiar and this world seems to really like me despite my constant attempts to escape it. It envelopes me with it's oblique suggestions until I have no where to go. It lingers and pauses, stops, moves backwards and then forwards as if playful gestures to me. It's doesn't like to settle on one color, or rather non-color. That would be too easy, too clear, too definitive. It likes to dance with tints and shades that suggest and imply. It's all innuendo. As I am surrounded with no way out, I will wallow in gray land where the dangers are clear. The longer the wallowing, the more chances of unnecessary hopes. But since in gray land there is no where to throw your stake into the ground, I'll just have to float and hover and drift through all this gradation. 

Beta went up to 710. Nothing yet seen on ultrasound. Next ultrasound is this Friday - that should determine which end of the spectrum I am on and I will finally fade to black or white.

12 comments:

Lisa said...

I hate that you have to keep waiting. I will keep hoping for you. For the good finale.

Melanie said...

Oh Tabi. I want that 710 to be the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Let it be that this is a late bloomer, whom you will chastize severely when she/he is of driving age. I hate, hate, hate that you are in that shit gray period. Friday must seem like a short 7 weeks away.

So thinking of you and pulling for your little 710.

Ahuva Batya said...

It's so unfair that you are trapped in this limbo of unknown, of possibilities both wonderful and miserable, with no way to settle on either. I am hoping that this beta number is sign, that you are going to enter into color again.

JuliaS said...

I hated the purgatory of waiting between draws and trying to get to a point where I had answers definitively one way or the other. Anything other than this taffy pull of emotions. I so hope things work out well for you and you have your color soon!

shinejil said...

The nothingness and nowhereness of this whole experience is the worst. I hope Friday brings clarity--and very good news.

Ms Heathen said...

All this uncertainty must be so difficult to bear.

Am holding you in my thoughts during this long week of waiting, and hoping with all my heart that you hear positive news on Friday.

Pamela Jeanne said...

What a difficult limbo-like state -- you described it well enough that I feel I know what it's like to be there. Wishing you the well...

luna said...

tabi, as everyone else has said I am thinking of you this week and hope you get some good news on friday. the gray area of limbo is so hard. ~luna

Duck said...

Good to see it's going up, can't help but still hold onto hope for you.

TABI said...

Thank you all for your support. I seem to crack every other day with all this anxiety and anticipation of bad things, but I know all I can do it wait until friday's ultrasound. Either way, this horrible limbo should be over by the weekend.

Amy said...

I am praying for a miracle for you. I hate that you have to go through this!

JuliaS said...

Almost there Tabi - hugs for tomorrow.

I hope it's good news.