Monday, March 17, 2008

It's over

Beta did not double. It went up to 68. I'm done with this pregnancy, and I think I really am done with IVF. No more. I knew in my heart that this beta was too low and now I have a dull aching feeling that this is ectopic again. Why not? That certainly would be a balanced trilogy of loss- begin with ectopic and end with ectopic. Every time I think that things would be too cruel to happen, they do anyway. I prayed for some mercy this morning, but guess there's none allotted for me. This is the life we signed up for with IVF and I think I have to close this door, at least for a while. I thank you all for being here with me through this. I wish I could have better news, but this just doesn't seem to be working for me. Granted, I am in the heat of the moment so things can change in terms of my all out quitting, but right now all I can think of is that it's now time to look into adoption. It's time to get out of this purgatory of bull shit pregnancies that come to nothing.

36 comments:

shinejil said...

My heart goes out to you, Tabi. I hope that whatever you decide, a new door opens for you that will give you a renewed love of life, when you're ready.

Until then, hang in there.

Mrs.X said...

No, no, no. I am so, so sorry. There are just no other words.

I hope that you find peace in whatever path you choose to take. All are equally worthy and all have the chance to bring you the happiness you seek. Take the time to make the decision that is best for you.

Duck said...

my thoughts are with you Tabi. This is horid news, and I really hope you can find peace.
Take care of yourself.

JJ said...

Im so very sorry Tabi.

beagle said...

I'm sorry.

JuliaS said...

I'm so very sorry.

Melanie said...

Tabi, your news makes me cry. I just hate it and the accompanying sadness and anger and helplessness you're feeling. It's a bullshit number and I'm so terribly sorry. I have to believe at some point in this incredibly unfair process we find "it." Whatever "it" is. And like you, I don't know what the hell "it" is anymore. You're in my thoughts.

Carrie said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I am so angry at the world right now. Why does it have to be so difficult for some people? It just seems to be overly hard.
I understand your need to move away from IVF for a while at least.
I wish there was something I could say that would truly help but I know there aren't but I am so sorry and I am thinking of you x

loribeth said...

(((((hugs)))))

Ahuva Batya said...

Oh Tabi, my heart just broke for you, truely. I am so sad, so angry for you. I wish I could help you with other than words on a screen right now. Please stay, write, get it all out and we will support you.

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending healing thoughts your way.

Fertilized said...

sending you hugs and prayers!

Working Girl said...

Tabi, take however long you need to figure out what your next step will be. This absolutely sucks and I hate that you are in this situation. IF just sucks!!!

Newt said...

I'm so sorry. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that it's not an ectopic. Take care.

Becky said...

I'm so very sorry. That's terrible news.

Jendeis said...

Tabi, I'm so sorry to hear this news. We're all here for you.

Heidi said...

This is totally unfair. I have no words to describe how I feel for you. I can only send you the virtual hugs.

(((Hugs)))

PJ said...

My heart goes out to you.

I hope that there are better times in your future, no matter what path you choose.

JellyBelly said...

i'm sending you big, big hugs. my thoughts and prayers are with you.

luna said...

crap crap crap. oh tabi, I am so very sorry. I am sad and frustrated with you. this just sucks. thinking of you. ~luna

CLC said...

I am so sorry.

peesticksandstones said...

Huge, huge hugs from someone who has totally been there -- a few times now (yikes).

Wish I knew the magic words that would make it better, but it just plain sucks.

Totally thinking of you, and sending lots of healing wishes your way...

beautycourage said...

I'm new to your blog... and SO sorry to ready your news. Thinking of you. -Dot

Denise said...

I am also new to your blog and I really wish that it was good news that brought me to you. I'm so sorry.

CC said...

Ouch, I can only imagine how much that must hurt. I'm so sorry it had to end this way.

Andie said...

I'm so sorry. Many hugs and peace.

B said...

that really sucks.

I don't get why God wouldn't hear that prayer. Mercy - is it such a hard thing to grant? A little more then some cruel tricks of symptoms coupled with spotting.

That really sucks. I hate feeling so hyper vigilant about everything that my body is doing.

I am sorry this did not work out...... and hope you can find a way through this (again)

tobacco brunette said...

Your post breaks my heart. I'm just so sorry. I hope whatever you decide will be your next step is the one that will bring you the happiness you're looking for and the peace you deserve.

Please be good to yourself.

Dagny said...

ugh.

I am so very sorry.


(((hug)))

sara said...

Maybe you're already tired of the I'm sorry's...so instead I will just send you some "hugs"...and I'll be thinking of you.

Jess said...

ughhhh...so, so sorry.

Pamela Jeanne said...

I wish there were more than words to offer you...you're in my thoughts.

luna said...

just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, tabi. hope you're taking good care of you. ~luna

Lisa said...

This is heartbreaking news. Sending you cyber hugs and healing thoughts.

Swim said...

I am so so sorry to hear of your beta results. I don't understand why this has to be so hard for us.

Take time for yourself.

Ms Heathen said...

I've just come back from a few days away, and was so very sorry to read this.

You are in my thoughts.