Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Time won't give me time


[Click above text to start animation. Flash Needed]

There is no doubt that the biological clock tick-tocking away is a tired cliché of a woman's reproductive life. Sure, we are warned by endless media about how our eggs will shrivel up and die by the time we are 35, but my body never felt like it was ticking away. I still look pretty much the same since college, or at least that's what people tell me. As much as my body could blow off that relentless biological message, alas, the mind is a whole other animal. My mental clock has unfortunately absorbed all those warnings and went into overdrive. I told myself starting 2008 that I would not dwell on the past. Nor would I obsess about time. However, I can't help but laugh at how many times over the past couple years I have said "I will never do that," and yet inevitably that turns into a "sure, I'll do that." We don't have the leisure time to say "never." So it's amazing how many miles my mind has travelled while constantly saying to my body "are we there yet?" I remember being so torn up about whether to start clomid. CLOMID! My god it's just a pill. Now I can pretty much at the drop of a hat lie on my back and get ready for my IV drip and spread my legs for probing. I am, in the end, an easily trained monkey. 

So our minds and bodies often have a major disconnect in how we exist. I think we all struggle with our heads convincing us that time is slipping away at exponential speed. Even if I were 25 and having fertility problems I am sure I would still feel like I am running out of time. So when people advise me, "why don't you take some time after this miscarriage?" I would like to show them a peek into my mental biological clock to answer that question. Time won't give me time.

6 comments:

Fertilize Me said...

I am sorry time won't give you time! *but your graphics alwasy rock!

Vee said...

I am loving your blog !
I can soooo relate to this one.

luna said...

I hear you sister. ain't no time like the present.

when we started ttc'ing but didn't tell anyone at first (except one couple who has since had 2 babies), my mom used to annoyingly remind me of the inevitable. "tick tock," she'd say, "there is never a perfect time, just do it." and I'd think, "uh, yeah, thanks. now if my body would just get with the program..." ~luna

A said...

First...I adore your graphics!!!

Second...like you're reading my mind!

Ms Heathen said...

Am absolutely with you on this one. I KNOW it would have been more 'sensible' to have waited to start IVF until after I submitted my PhD. But there again, my ovaries may well have shrunk to the size of raisins by the time I had written up. I feel that time is running out on both my fertility and my dissertation, and I am absolutely powerless to stop it! Still loving the art work, though!

Pamela Jeanne said...

Great post. Infertility is a constant source of physical and emotional dueling. Well said.