If you had your old life handed back to you on a silver platter, would you take it? There is no end to the sacrifices made in this baby making endeavor. How many vacations did you not take or cancel? How many job opportunities did you not take? How many social engagements have you avoided? It goes on and on how many times I decided not to do something because it might interfere with IVF.
So what's plaguing my brain these days is the possibility of a new full-time job. The new job would start exactly when I will start my next IVF -- naturally, since "good timing" doesn't seem to like me. It's a job that is very similar to the job I had two years ago - a job I got bored and frustrated with so I left to live a "less stressful" life trying to conceive. I was going to free myself from the golden handcuffs and gladly turned my back on the 9 to 5 grind towards a life of freelance and independent work. My vision was that this would be better when starting a family because I would be able to enjoy raising my kids at home if I worked from home. Well, the rosy picture never happened. The baby never came so all I was left with was myself alone in my pajamas working at home.
A month went by and no one had called yet about an interview. I was partly relieved and partly my ego was bruised since I knew I was more than qualified for this job. So I decided to find a middle ground. I would start a part-time job at my husband's design company. They need my help, I need to get out of my apartment, it seems like a perfect fit. But then last week I get called for an interview for this full-time job and it just opened up all these insecurities about whether I am investing too much in this phantom baby and not enough in my career. So I am constantly flip-flopping. On the one hand, I'm in this bubble right now where I don't have my next IVF schedule and I've been "on break" since my miscarriage so the prospect of my old life is highly seductive. Wouldn't it be great to forget 2007 ever happened? How delicious would it be that these past two years just turned out to be a bad mini-series where the main character was just having a bad dream. She woke up and she was exactly where she was two years ago getting ready to jump on the subway to head to her boring yet stable job. But the problem is that damn dangling baby swinging in front of my face, taunting me, telling me I want to be a mother and how lucky you are to have a flexible lifestyle. I start to think I am crazy not to take a more relaxed part-time job when I am in the middle of the most stressful experience of my life. Even though I absolutely hate that trying to get pregnant feels like my only identity, I can't help but constantly kowtow to IVF as the master of my life.
So there is no clear answer yet. I have a lot more thinking to do and I can't complain about having job options. I know it's very tempting to think that your old life was easier. We all know that we have the option to wake up one day and say "I'm done," and wallah your pre-baby-making days return and life could presumably go back to normal. All those bastards who made you feel bad you were not pregnant suddenly become your friends again. I can't tell you what I would give for a mind-erase and all that disappointment and loss and physical pain would vanish. I read that a lot of couples who do finally say, "This is the end" feel a huge sense of relief to not to have to think about it anymore. Of course saying those words is no picnic. I'm not there yet. But boy, oh boy, there are these moments where it seems so easy to simply take your old life back.