As many people attest, thinking positively and visualizing your goal is suppose to help positive things happen to you. All sorts of self-help books such as The Secret claim that this is key to getting what you want. So what did I get for Christmas from my mother? A book called The Power of Positive Thinking. My family knows me well. Now, I've always been what positive chirpy people called a pessimist. I don't assume it will all work out. I assume that it probably won't work out and would rather be pleasantly surprised by a positive outcome. So I am the best test subject for this whole visualizing positive outcome philosophy since worst case scenarios are the first things that pop into my mind.
But I've truly tested myself the most with our attempts for making a baby. I admittedly started out this process with a bad attitude. Before I ever tried to get pregnant I would always preface a sentence about children with "If I can have them." The big "IF" was always present. I would joke and say, "I will probably be the one out of all my friends who is infertile" or simply "I have a bad feeling about this." So yes, I didn't start off on the right foot. Does this mean my current IVF life is just a self-fulfilling prophecy? Did I bring this on myself with my negative thoughts? I would argue a big no on that one. Even though I was pessimistic at first, I was forced to see the error of my ways and began to fight my negative thoughts. I have at many points closed my eyes and imagined my big belly or cradling our first born in my arms. I tried to wake up every morning and say a mantra, "Thank you for this baby," after reading the argument that if you believe you already have something then you will get it. I've tried in the two week wait to think I still had a chance for a positive HPT (home pregnancy test) despite my cramps and PMS. I've prayed for positive outcomes and I've relinquished control. I really tried to battle my negative side with great armies of positive thinking, but each time I got slaughtered by a bad outcome. I've touched the holy grails of positive pregnancy tests only for them to be torn away by an ectopic missile and then a crushing miscarriage bomb. All in all, my attempts for positive thinking has yet to bring a baby.
So naturally a pessimist like myself would get the final laugh here and say, "See, I told you so." But I am not going down that road. That's how much I want a baby. I am willing to deny my comfortable identity as a pessimist to try to get what I want. You can riddle me with bullets and blow up my headquarters, but I've now got a nuclear weapon. Writhing my hands together with a villainous chuckle I introduce to you Little Miss Positive - my new soft plush toy creation. If just positive visualization has not worked yet, then I'll step it up. I challenge negative thinking to a duel. Why not transform what I have to imagine in my mind into something I can physically squeeze to my heart's desire. Little Miss Positive is here and now. She's present. She's my new best friend. She sleeps with me. She eats lunch with me. She watches TV with me. She travels with me. She's oh so soft and cuddly.
Stay tuned for more adventures of Little Miss Positive. Posted weekly here on Channel IVF, The Art of Being Infertile.