Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Having a blast? Well, a couple...


Thank you all for cheering on my 7 embryos, we all appreciated it! Transfer was today! The first time we have ever been pushed to a 5 day transfer. So at least a new milestone was hit. Out of the 7, we only have two blasts, the rest are morulas and we'll know tomorrow if any of them make it to freeze. I am trying to resist the urge to complain, but I am feeling a bit cheated that my donor egg cycle produced so little. If these were my eggs I would be doing a jig right now, kicking up my legs in delight. But since these were suppose to be top notch young eggs, I really still can't believe our bad luck. Even when you cut me completely out of the picture we still are poor responders. Not to be a total downer but I'll put money down that we'll have none to freeze too. What the fuck is that about? I can't even begin to think that one out or else I'll once again have my fist raised toward heaven with bitterness. 

I decided that transfer day I would plant my seedlings that I have been growing all month. Maybe this is just overcompensation for the fact that I haven't played any role yet in this conception process. But I needed to get my hands dirty today. To dig into some moist earth and plant things. Even with plants you can see how some seeds are a bust and others thrive. All conception is like this. Some will keep blooming to maturity and others will die when the wind blows too hard or when there is heavy rain. So today I need to feel part of nature in the midst of this weird baby science experiment. While transplanting my seedlings into my terrace garden, I wondered if I will continue to overcompensate for my barren-hood throughout my life. Will this make me more daring, more adventurous, more of a risk taker so that I can always say to other women, "Well you might have conceived and given birth to babies, but I've climbed Mt. Everest, or I've bungee jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, or I've eaten raw snake, or I've traveled to every continent on this earth, or I've killed a wild bear with my bare hands." Just something to say back to a woman who might smugly say, "There's nothing like giving birth to a child." I know I don't have to feel insecure, but maybe this infertility, in addition to emotionally pushing me beyond myself, will also make me live life beyond myself. I am all for sucking the juices out of life and maybe this experience will really solidify that. That's my most positive side trying to really drown out my negative side who just keeps screaming, "This is all shit."

But at least mission is accomplished. The embryos are cooking up now. Since I wasn't able to go to transfer, wonderful A. texted me on my phone when it was done. It was like I ordered at a fast food restaurant, "Two blasts please, yes, and can you put that in my surrogate to-go."

7 comments:

Not on Fire said...

If you ever meet someone who says to you "There's nothing like giving birth to a child." I hope that I am next to you so that I can accidentally spill my tea on her or perhaps I could key her car? Would tripping her be too much?

I am hoping for you!

Duck said...

The embryos are a cooking and I am totally thinking of you and your embryos - sure we may not push them out - but really is that what it means to be a mother? Both of us know the answer and I want, I need, great news for you.

Andie said...

Wishing you all the best for the tww Tabi. Crossing everything for the two blasts and hope you get a few to freeze as well.

Your seedlings look beautiful. I get so much joy from my little garden.

DAVs said...

I'm so happy for your blasts.
It's always a balance, isn't it? That positive side trying to drown out that shit-screaming negative side...
You're an amazing woman, from what I've read on your blog. I'm pulling for you with everything I've got.

Shinejil said...

Ugh. Smugness on that front is so irritating. I thank the evil goddess of IF for beating that crap out of me. Sure, there may be nothing like giving birth to a child, but there's also nothing like creating a fulfilling, happy life with the cards dealt you. And that takes more than a couple dozen hours in the L&D ward.

Gardeners can only encourage seeds to grow; we can't make them. But the fruits are still ours, and the garden is our making. I hope your seedlings take root and grow strong.

JellyBelly said...

you're the embies mama, don't let anyone else tell you different.

:)

Sue said...

Don't worry - you lose a lot with 5 day transfers. The two that were transferred could be all you need. I'm hoping for good news soon.