Sometimes while walking through the city a certain song will play on my ipod that transports me to a different reality. My step, however slow or fast, starts to move to match the beat of the music. I start to look at the zillions of people around me as if we are all marching to the same sound track in the same movie scene. As I trudge up the subway staircase I watch my feet synchronize with others rushing up the steps and I've become part of one huge living and breathing organism.The moment doesn't last forever. Inevitably I am shoved or a car horn goes off or I have to scramble for something in my purse and that thread is broken. I've woken up from the spell as if I was on pause and suddenly someone pushed the play button again. Those moments of connection have a strange dichotomy for me because I feel like I am in a fog and yet things seem clear.
That's sort of where I am as I begin 2009. I am literally in the process of synchronizing my body with A. We are both on birth control pills and we will start lupron at the end of this month. I will stimulate in early February and then fly to Chicago for retrieval. Then whatever embryos I am blessed with will be transferred to A. It's all slowly coming together and I am still sort of perplexed as to how I am going to manage finding a common stride with another woman's uterus, another state, another clinic, another protocol, and my husband's frozen sperm. But I feel like I am entering that ipod moment when millions of pieces are potentially coming together to step to the same beat. It's put me in a foggy state of mind where I am not thinking, I am just marching to the beat, and getting lost in something greater than me. But on the other hand, there are certain things that are very clear to me - I am scared, I am anxious, I have to make enough eggs, I have to face failure.
This is what I find to be one of the more unique things about infertility. I've lived in a state of limbo and uncertainty for 2 to 3 years at this point. You begin to get used to the idea that you can't plan, you can't get too excited and yet you can't get too negative, and you can't settle in on any one particular state of mind. I find that every kind of rational premise I set up in my brain I just as easily can argue my way out of it. I can keep flip flopping around because nothing really makes sense in this infertility world. Everything is "could be true" or "could be false." For instance, two friends I met both finished a cycle with a gestational carrier and both got chemical pregnancies. They thawed and transferred good 5 day blasts that I would dream of having, but neither of them had success. Devastating, to say the least. Another friend did a shared donor egg cycle this fall. She got a BFN, but the other woman who received the same donor egg got pregnant. It all seems so unfair but then there are just as many miracle stories, many of which our fellow bloggers are now telling, that defy the odds and give hope.
All this is to say that maybe my body has put me in this particular zombie state of mind for a reason. Clinically, if I were a shrink, I would say I am dealing with low level depression and anxiety which is causing this hazy state of mind mixed with clear feelings of fear and dread. But the more poetic version would be that I am protecting myself. I am feeling part of something greater than me which is both very zen and very unsettling because I have no control. I need to remember that just like all the logistics of my surrogacy cycle will work themselves out as a whole, all these questions and non-sensical fertility stories are part of some greater whole too. I am not sure what the final lesson will be in all this, but whatever the universe has in store for me I still have to let go. Synchronizing is both coincidence and coexistence, meaning it has an intended hand, but it also relies on chance. So for now I have to just ride this out and pray all the planets will finally align for me. Though I am vulnerable to so many things that could break the spell or get me off sync, for now it seems safest to keep my internal ipod brain running and let all this non-sensical noise around me become music.
8 comments:
It's a hard road, but one that we grow from (or if I looked at it any other way I would go insaine so that's how I gotta do it). I keep picturing myself with a baby or babies, new borns that I'm feeding, I keep seeing it over and over and over again, first thought in the morning last at night.... because now that my body is out and the embies are frozen my thoughts are all I can contribute.
I just ordered "spirit babies" on line in the hopes it can give me some insight to why we've been trying to have a family for 4 years...
All that said, looks like we may even be in the 2ww together... glad to read that you're making solid moves.
Hang in there - I'm thinking nothing but positivity for you! We all deal with things in whatever way is best for us so you just have to do what you have to do and let everyone else cheer for you and think positively for you. You can do this!
Stay as protective-zombie-zen as you need to. It's the only way to get through it all. Happy synchronization!
Lisa from IG
this is a beautiful post, tabi. I've been thinking a lot about synergy and synchronicity and wondering how it all comes together. I love your description.
there are forces way beyond our control. and there is luck and fate and happenstance. the lack of control, the fog, the fear, those are all totally normal for where you're at right now. you could just be conserving your energy too, knowing you will need everything in the days ahead.
I am wishing you all the best with this cycle, tabi. I really hope the stars and planets are aligning with you on this one.
I think if we knew going into this all the potentials and the maybes and the whatifs and the setbacks, we'd hole up in the Australian outback for the duration. You know I wish you success, that goes without saying, but I also wish you peace and healing. I have no doubt, like you, that I've had a good dose of low level depression for quite some time...I'm pretty darn sure I've got it right now. It's just so darn hard to feel centered when you're on a tightrope and the net is unreliable. Anyway, I'm glad you're moving forward, I hope your surrogate is awesome and as fertile as a 16 year old. Please keep us in the loop.
When I started to think about all the logistics involved with synchronizing me with our GS, it made my head feel like exploding. I'm a very logical, organized person, and I just finally had to go with it. The logistics will work themselves out.
I understand about feeling like a zombie. I was excited to cycle again and I truly felt this was our best chance, but I couldn't let myself become too attached to the idea that it might work. I focused on knowing that we were one step closer to the end of the journey. It's good I didn't get too caught up into believing it would work because I had an awful roller coaster cycle in which I didn't even know if I would make it to retrieval let alone transfer. This development was a complete shock to me since stimming had never been a problem before, and I was unprepared.
I guess what I am saying is that my mantra is to do whatever you need to do to get through it. I always find myself looking at and believing the potential negative and I do believe it has saved me a little pain. If it doesn't work, it's going to hurt no matter what.
very well written post. I have those i pod mometns too, when I pretend I am in a movie scence.
I don't know how it is going to work out, but I have everything crossed for you.
It must be very hard to let go of all those fears and anxieties, and to give yourself over to this larger process.
I am thinking of you, tabi, and hoping as hard as I can that everything works out for you.
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