Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Baseline check

We have to start somewhere so let's start at the base. My Estrodial is 24 and my FSH is 3.7 and I begin lupron tomorrow. Even though lately I've felt invaded by the body snatchers, I'm actually starting to feel a little excited. It started to bubble to the surface today after hearing confirmation that this long awaited surrogacy cycle is going to begin. I had thought all along that surely some snag or snafu would spoil things. I was convinced my endometrioma had grown to melon size or my FSH had skyrocketed proving definitively that I have no good eggs. But to my delight it was quite the opposite. The endometrioma is small at just 1.6mm and they don't seem too worried it will ruin the cycle. My FSH is usually 7 or 8 but the nice low number made me feel 20 years old, despite the fact that it really has no indication that my egg quality is any better. But hey, maybe all the gaging down wheatgrass did something? Anything to help the mind feel like something is different. 

One big difference is that transfer will be A.'s job, not mine. It's sort of a huge relief to know that she can take over that phase of the cycle and I can free my body of all the havoc it can do to a pregnancy. My blood won't clot up and kill the embryo. My endometriosis won't fuck up implantation. I won't get an embryo lodged in my fallopian tube. This all puts a big smile on my face. That worry is gone. 

But what remains the same for me at every IVF commencement is knowing that there is a tiny microscopic iota of a chance that we might make a baby soon. Prior to this I always feel sad and depressed because I am doing nothing to get pregnant and I just wallow in pitiful childlessness. Then the same sort of thrill starts to percolate with baseline because there is a flash in my heart that this might work. It's a nice place to be - the beginning. Everything is ahead of you. When you are waiting, all you can do is look backwards. 

So I seem to be getting some feeling back in my limbs. No doubt that will take full effect when the 4 shots per day begin this weekend. But at least for today, I can feel. It's been a while. 

7 comments:

Ms Heathen said...

Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best as you start this cycle, tabi.

Shinejil said...

I'm glad there's some hope, and I for one hope this cycle goes wonderfully! I'll be thinking of you.

alicia said...

oh this is so wonderful! I am glad you are starting to feel again! I am thinking positive thoughts for you!!

Intending To Be Parents said...

Fabulous news!! I hope that everything goes smoothly and perfectly! Sending you lots of positive thoughts!

the Babychaser: said...

Sometimes it's amazing to discover you still can hope. This is exciting, and I'm wishing you the best!

(And yeah, it would be nice to do the Harvest and then just be done with it!)

JellyBelly said...

great news tabi!!! i'm sending you positive thoughts for this new cycle!

peesticksandstones said...

I'm so excited to read about this! It's got to be awesome to be free of that feeling (as I recall having) that a cycle is something to just "get over with" to prove you can't get pregnant. Sigh...

On to new and exciting territory! Can't wait to hear what happens next. You've been in my thoughts a lot.

Big hugs!