Saturday, October 23, 2010

I'm back, and with a cup of coffee

I am remembering the days when I religiously took vitamins, did my meditations tapes, acupuncture, and yes, whole heartedly cut out caffeine. Well, all of that has been replaced with one big cup of coffee. Mind you, I was an avid tea drinker before the baby. I never touched coffee. But alas, even I couldn't resist the dark side. I have a cup of joe every morning now.

My last post is from August and I suppose life got so crazed that the energy to write takes a back seat to sleep, eating, and catching some good TV. I've had the urge to write, but my body just screams- SLEEP- every time my daughter naps. But I want to revive it. I want to keep the ritual of writing going, however sporadic if may become.

I feel like most of the blogs I was reading regularly have moved on with life or I can't seem to find them. I promise to find the time to read more and support new people embarking on this journey. Funny how when I actually was going through the zillion IVFs I had no friends (in the non-online world) who were going through infertility. Now that I have my daughter and life seems a bit more normal, I have three friends going through IVF. Where were these people when I was feeling so isolated and on the edge of despair? Now, instead of feeling like the one who is fucked, I am the one trying to be supportive and optimistic for others around me. I find myself a little jealous that they all are trying with their eggs at our age and have a good chance of it working. I can't help but feel like I am the only one who had to do the crazy stuff and everyone else will get pregnant the good old fashion IVF way.

But pity party aside, parenting has become the new focus and comes with its own frustrations. Though I've mastered the daily needs of my daughter, I am sometimes overwhelmed by the sleep training, the constant stream of energy towards her, balancing my career, and my husband's sometimes clued out behavior. Even though he tries to help out, it's still mommy that she wants. So there are times I am snippy and snappy at him, probably out of sheer resentment that he gets to maintain certain things about his life that I can't anymore. Battling my exhaustion, there are days where little things all go wrong and you want to just cry. Then there are days that it all gels - the universe lets the day unfold smoothly and with ease. Of course the joys and highs of parenting are sublime, but lately I am just cranky. I sometimes feel frazzled and old. Other times I can't believe how good I've become at soothing my baby. So that's a snapshot of life right now. I teeter between awe of my child growing so fast and astonishment of how far I have to run on an empty tank. I like to think it's the vast personal growth I've achieved that gets me through the tough days, but perhaps it's just the coffee.


luna said...

um, yeah.

such is life with motherhood and a toddler at 41 (for me). it did get a little easier when our daughter started sleeping through the night, but no way around it, the days are long. mixed with blessings and wonderful joy, but challenging moments as well.

here's hoping you find some balance soon.

had to chuckle with the old fashioned IVF statement. heh

Sue said...

Only one cup of joe? Impressive!

Lorraine said...

The sleep training IS worth it - I know it seems like it might all be an elaborate ruse, but last night my little fussbudget slept 7:30 - 6:00 and I feel like I've just been on a luxurious vacation.

Of course, could be a fluke. Am not giving up on the coffee yet!

Ms Heathen said...

I can relate to so much of what you write in this last paragraph, Tabi. While becoming a mother was undoubtedly the best thing that I ever did, there are days when it seems like the hardest job in the world. Like you, I also really need that one cup of coffee in the morning - I'll think of you tomorrow when I drink it!

Donor Diva said...

Tami I am so glad I found your blog! Also crazy that our little DE mircales are close in age. I look forward to reading more. Caffine is my best friend.

Breanna said...

I've just finished reading your blog all the way through and I must say it gave me hope, so thank you for that. I'm sixteen, but I already know I'm infertile. I had cancer when I was nine, and according to my endocrinologist the chemotherapy had an irreversible effect on my eggs that means they will never develop correctly. I had the same moment of learning I would never pass on my genes all in a rush (the endocrinologist literally said, in response to my mother asking whether I could have children, "Oh, no, she can't, it's a complete impossibility" and then left the room), so it was a bit of a shock. I'm sure it's in no way comparable to the uncertainty so many have to suffer through--in a way I'm glad to know-- but I was still so happy to read through this and know that somebody went through something similar at least and managed to actually have a child. It's something I worry about daily, and since I don't know any infertiles my age, it really was wonderful to read and cry through this. Thank you for detailing your journey. I can't even come close to imagining your pain, but thank you still for leaving behind this record for us to read. It has really helped me.

Best of luck with your child and balancing it all!