Saturday, August 8, 2009

The Thaw


Today was the first time I felt like it's summer. After doing a lot of traveling and gazing outside my window at heavy rain, it was great to just walk around today. Enjoying the sunny warmth and city bustle made me feel more officially in the season of popsicles, open toe shoes, and breezy afternoon drinks in New York City. I started to finally feel a thaw in my present state. I think the coldest parts of my infertility trauma are starting to liquify. Something in me is melting because things that I didn't think I could handle are happening. I was able to talk to a friend who I had cut out of my life for two years because she seriously disappointed me by the way she told me she was pregnant. I am able to see friends with newborns and feel happy for them and be excited to experience the same thing. I am able to talk to people about the excitement of my baby coming. I am able to look at pregnant women without wanting to curse at the heavens. Who am I?

It's a good thing, this normalization. I resist it as much as possible because I don't feel ready to believe that these weird and horrible experiences are behind me. I seem to want to hold on to my war wounds. But the start of my fists unclenching is probably the first sign of softening. The venom I have toward the universe, toward fertile people, toward my bad luck is starting to become a little less poisonous. I am allowing myself to feel giddy about seeing A. and our 15 week ultrasound this tuesday. It may seem strange to have to remind myself of this little blessing growing in her, but it's also not so inconceivable when you use a surrogate and donor egg to go through your day and not remember you are pregnant. It's quite easy in fact. So I am marking my weeks of pregnancy and I am starting to be able to dream a little bit about life with this new baby.

A friend who went through IF and now has a baby said she is starting to try to join "the mommy club" and I wonder how this is going to work for me. I am so irritated by the idea of talking shop with other mothers who don't have a clue about what I went through but I can't avoid everyone who hasn't been through IF. But right now fellow infertiles seems like the safest people to be around. I know I will want to have other mothers to bond with, but wouldn't it be fun to have a club for mothers who have gone through IF. We could name it "MIFTED"- Mothers and Infertility: The Extraordinary Dames. Or "MIRTH" - Mothers and Infertility Rock the House. Maybe even a secret handshake so we know who each other are.

7 comments:

Niki said...

I'm in and absolutely think a secret handshake is a must! I love both names, but MIFTED just has a ring to it! I know what you mean about not feeling like you can relate to mommies who don't get the struggles. I even have a hard time chatting with expecting moms outside of the infertile world. I think that fertiles don't quite have the same immense gratitude for their gift(s) like we infertiles do. I'll stay tuned for updates on the new club and for details regarding the handshake. ;)

Shinejil said...

Here, here.

Melanie said...

15 weeks. 15 weeks! That is wonderful. And the Thaw is wonderful. Really. We are all the sum total of our experiences, but the healthy thing is to take those experiences, mush them together and find a moving forward point. Sounds like you are. I'd like to think that the heartbreak of infertility makes us better and stronger people. But that doesn't mean I'm going to be joining the Babies R Us brigade anytime soon. Blah.

the need for a father? said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Infertile In the City said...

Yup a secret handshake or something. I would love to be one of those women, but, I don't see myself ever joining the mommy club, where they talk about how awful labour was and we talk about what? how hard it was to find someone to carry our baby? How we wish we could have stretch marks?

I don't know - but - I am glad that you are starting to feel better, 15 weeks, such great news TABI.

Celia said...

I don't see myself ever joining the fertiles, even if it is easier to be around them now. I would LOVE a Mommy Club of just us.

Sarah @ When two becomes three said...

This post is beautifully written. You are so aware of where you are at. It's funny. When your baby will finally arrive, as time goes on, you are just too busy to remember about feeling different. You want your baby to hang with other babies and kids and it's just a whole other world. I will always remember what I went through but it just doesn't define me anymore. And I WAS totally consumed.

I'm cheering you on.