Thursday, July 30, 2009

This one is too big, this one is too small, this one is just right

I had a weird dream last night. It was one that so obviously wreaks of anxiety and anticipation. All in all I have been feeling really great about the coming of our little one. A. seems to be tired but doing just fine. She has some heartburn and the biggest boobs of any of her pregnancies. It figures that my baby creates big boobs when I'm not the carrier. Maybe that's the real tragedy of my infertility is that I will never have big boobs, but that's another story. I am still slowly telling people. But I think you could say that I am ready to fast forward through these next 6 months of pregnancy. I am sort of bored with it because I am not carrying the pregnancy. I am in the mood to just skip right to the ending. Give me the baby already.

So in my dream I am very much like Goldilocks. I guess in a lot of ways I feel like I am in someone else's house since I am using a surrogate and donor egg. I am trying to find a spot that feels just right, but deep down I fear I don't belong. So I woke up this morning with the memory of this pretty strange dream. A. is giving birth and this enormous baby comes out of her. It's like a gigantic baby that proceeds to stand up and walk around and talk. I am bewildered and confused by it's size and how grown up it is. I am trying hard to see if it looks like my husband or the donor but get distracted by it's size. I turn to my husband and say, "That huge baby came straight from her uterus!" Then fade to black. The second part of my dream is the opposite. A little tiny baby comes out of A. and at first I am relieved it is much smaller than that enormous baby before, but then I see that it's just the size of my palm. I gasp and ask if we can incubate the baby and I am told it won't make it. I am devastated.

It's pretty clear generally what this all means. Of course I am still scared something is going to go wrong, but I am also so curious about what this baby is going to be like. Just like Goldilocks who tries to find the right porridge, right chair, and right bed, I am hoping to find the right child. Of course with donor egg I have all these fears about whether this is going to be the right kid for me, but obviously this is "right" or else we wouldn't be blessed with this new life. There is a great line in movie where this guy describes his dream girl who would have a big rack, sexy long legs, etc. etc. But then he talks about his girlfriend and he says, "She's better than my dream girl, she's real." So I know this is what it will be like for me too. The baby of my dreams through all this infertility is all theory, fantasy, hope, but this baby coming in January will be real. That's why I need January to be here NOW! Thanks for waiting with me.


DAVs said...

You're right. The baby that arrives in January will be the one meant for you, no doubt about it.
I think it's hard, dealing with IF for so long, living in a fantasy world of pregnancies and babies and how we will achieve our dreams...there's adjustments that have to be made, but in the end, it all fits just right.

FET Accompli said...

It feels so comforting to visit your page, because we are in such close proximity in our pregnancies-through-surrogacy.

I can relate to how you are feeling, to wanting to skip to after the birth, to having the baby already, because we are one step removed from the pregnancy itself. (That being said, of course, we want them to bake until they are 100% ready to make their way into the world.)

In terms of the donor egg, the baby will be the right one for you, as you say. Your feelings are totally legit I understand why you are anxious. You can take comfort in knowing that your babe will have your husband's genes (that's correct, right?) and that beyond this, you will love that baby with all your heart irrelevant of whose egg/sperm/uterus it came from.

How far along are you - 3 months? I ended up adding a ticker to my page, which is kind of cool because fellow bloggers and I can see the progress each day :-)

Shinejil said...

Interestingly enough, I feel the same: just get me through the next 2-3 months and give me the baby already! That's because we're both psychologically/spiritually pregnant. And frankly, that's where all the work gets done.

It's really hard to deal with this "happy time" after all the sadness and loss and anger. It's hard to savor it sometimes.

But come January, a page really will be turned, and you'll get Baby Just Right.

Me said...

Were I in your shoes, I think I would be 1000 times more impatient.

luna said...

I love this post. you know with adpotion I had a lot of those same fears -- will this be the right match, the right child, etc. I think it's impossible not to consider those options. but it sounds like this one is just right...

waiting with you til january.