Thursday, April 10, 2008

Spare Womb for Me?

How do I explain where I've been? It's like I've been kidnapped or hijacked or made prisoner of war from my own self. I've travelled to all these different corners of darkness, yet I am still so numb. 

First off, thank you thank you thank you for all your kind words. I really felt like you all were there with me and thinking about me. So as you all know, I survived Gray Land. Once I landed into Black it has been like it sounds - dark. empty. silent. vast. But at least it's been absolute. No question the pregnancy is over, no question I've been screwed over again, no question I deserve a reward for being in the tiny miniscule percent of woman who could possibly get two IVF ectopics. 

So let me fill you in on what happened next. I couldn't even bring myself to say, "I told you so." It just would make my whole insides crumble. So I decided to focus on closing this one out as fast as possible. We opted for surgery to take the ectopic out (no way I was waiting for 15 weeks like last time) and also my doctor felt we should go in and see what the hell is going on in there. Feeling like a pro at egg retrieval, I thought the lap and hysteroscopy wouldn't be too bad, but damn - that is real surgery. It's no pansy-IV drip-egg retrieval-open your eyes in 20 minutes kind of thing. This was full on scary surgery where I felt the pain of the anesthesia shoot through my arm and then it took 2 hours to wake up, then my blood pressure dropped and had to be hydrated for 2 hours. So from 11am - 7pm, my poor husband wasn't told what was going on. He and my family were needlessly freaked out and I was so zonked out and feeling horrible to even know how much time was passing. So what did I get out of this heinous ride? Well, I have a trio of scars on my belly like pointless souvenirs from my three IVF losses. But here is the real kicker. After all that, everything is fucking healthy inside. My doc took a little edo out, but otherwise my tubes are healthy, my uterus is heathy, and my ovaries are healthy. So welcome to the lovely place called "Getting no where." 

So I remain a medical mystery as to why I get ectopics. My doctor remains stumped that my first ectopic was in the right tube, my second ectopic was in the left tube, but both tubes are completely healthy. I didn't even lose a tube, they are both still in there. So that leaves me with the choice of trying another IVF with all the same risks and I can safely say, "Forget it." There is no way I am willing to risk another ectopic. So where does that leave me? I now open up this arena to the prospects of womb rental. Yes, Newsweek isn't the only one fascinated with surrogates. I have succumbed to the extreme options that I never thought I would have to face. I have a consultation with a surrogacy agency on Monday and I just keep staring at this paper work in awe of where I am headed. I can barely articulate where I've been, and now I can't even begin to describe the feeling of what I face ahead of me. Part of me feels like I am wimping out at 3 IVFs as I hear women doing 5, 6, 7 IVFs before moving on to surrogacy. But I feel I have made an honorable go at this IVF crap. It's enough. I've all but given up on my "healthy" womb that despite all logic refuses to give me a child. I really think at this point I can live without carrying a child. It's like if I had to choose between a fabulous wedding and my marriage. We all know a wedding is just a day, but marriage is a lifetime. So pregnancy is just 9 months, but having a child will be everyday of the rest of my life.


apronstringsemily said...

Tabi -- So glad to see you post. And extra glad that you're no longer in grey land ... even though the outcome still sucks. As for the whole 3 IVF's and on to surrogacy, I say that each person knows what their limit is. Mine was one and now I'm on to adoption (at least I think so). Big HUGS to you as you start the next phase in your journey.

the Babychaser: said...

So if you go the surgery route, do you get the miscarriage and hormone crash part over faster? I sure hope so. I did the shots, assuming that they had to be better than surgery. Little did I know I'd be getting another set of shots two weeks later, and waiting another month for the m/c to actually happen. I just wanted it OVER!

Anyway, I'm really glad you're doing better. I can't tell you how sorry I am. I found the ectopic to be the most upsetting of my miscarraiges by far--I guess because it meant that the little embryo itself was fine, just wandered into some bad territory.

I'm really feeling for you. I'm so sad for what you've lost.

peesticksandstones said...

Welcome back! I really like the way you describe the wedding/marriage thing -- it makes so much sense, and I've had similar thoughts. Such to-do over those 9 months, yet my god, then there's the next 50 and that's where it really gets interesting.

Looking forward to hearing about your progress with the surrogacy. It's something I have wondered about, but have been kinda scared to investigate.

Best of luck as you move forward, take take as you heal.

peesticksandstones said...

Oops! I meant "take care" :)

JuliaS said...

Still wishing things had turned out better for you.

I have had two ectopics also - though one was in the tube, the other completely outside trying to attach to the exterior of my uterus. I do have endo - but not in my tubes. Go figure.

Isn't it nice to end up on the wrong side of the odds, then even on more wrong ends of the odds? Some uniqueness is okay - but sometimes normal is preferable to quirky.

Good wishes and speedy healing. I found the bloating and gassiness from the surgery was kind of lousy the first couple days, but after that - recovering from the lap was pretty quick.

Melanie said...

Tabi, I was getting ready to comment on your old post "Shine the flashlight three times if you're ok." I'm glad you're back. I agree with you, wholeheartedly. Three is enough. Hell, I'm thinking I've got one more fresh cycle tops in me as well. Surrogacy is a viable, smart option for you. The doctors don't know why you've had two ectopics (I hope you're also playing the lottery), why risk another one that could do substantial damage? I'll be interested to know how your meeting goes with the agency. Hang in there. (You were missed and though of)

shinejil said...

So good to hear from you, Tabi. And so sorry the surgery was long and painful and less than informative.

Kudos to you for moving forward so swiftly, for searching for a way out of the Black.

Duck said...

Tabi -I have been checking back on you daily, and I'm glad you're back. It's amazing that your insides are all nice and healthy, and really annoying for you.
Lap's are not fun, i've had 2 mini ones and a big one that you have to be hospitilized for a week for, so it was actually good training for the ER, which was easy in comparison.
I'm glad you know your limit and you've decided to look into womb rental, i haven't even gotten to do a ET and I'm thinking womb rental, there is no point in putting healthy embryos into the uterus of doom.

glad your back

Aurelia said...

I'm glad you are okay, but I have to say that I am worried about the cost of surrogacy for you, so I hope you end up okay on that front.

You just might end up trying another one yourself after you've had a few months to process everything.

Maybe get the info and take some time to think about it? This has all just happened, and I know that after my losses, I always needed a few months to get my head together before I made any major decisions.

Just some thoughts, take care.

alicia said...

I am so glad to see you post. I am sorry you are stuck in the dark land. I can't believe all you have been through! I hope your healing is going well.

I don't think anyone can say there is the perfect number of fertility treaments to try out before surrogacy. I know after we do 1 IVF and it dosen't work, that surrogacy is our plan.

I don't think anyone could imagine where this journey would end up for you. I can't imagine what you are feeling. But I really like how you put it, that being a mom is the real goal, not being pregnant.

Take care. And good luck at your appointment. I would love to hear how it goes.

Thanks for posting!

smog said...

Glad to see you back. I really hope surrogacy is the way to go for you. As for how many IVF's or losses you are supposed to be able to "take" - only you know those limits. I hope the surrogacy route is it for you.

Ahuva Batya said...

Tabi, I've been thinking of you and checking on you, hoping you post. Remember that nothing is in stone, and you can move forward with this, or change your mind for another IVF, or not. You have given it more than the old college try, and anyone in your shoes would be unwilling to undure more heartache. You are strong. Thinking of you and will be checking in daily along your journey.

Ms Heathen said...

Welcom back, Tabi! It's good to hear from you - I've been thinking of you such a lot after reading your terrible news.

As others have already said, I don't think that there is a fixed number of cycles that you have to go through before exploring other options. Everyone has their own limit, and you've reached yours. I wish you every success as you move on to look at surrogacy.

Oh, and I loved the wedding/marriage analogy - it's such a beautiful way of describing it.

Amy said...

I think surrogacy is a great idea for you. Going through multiple IVF's is hard enough. I Haven't had to endure anything but BFN's so I can't even begin to understand losses and ectopics.