How do I explain where I've been? It's like I've been kidnapped or hijacked or made prisoner of war from my own self. I've travelled to all these different corners of darkness, yet I am still so numb.
First off, thank you thank you thank you for all your kind words. I really felt like you all were there with me and thinking about me. So as you all know, I survived Gray Land. Once I landed into Black it has been like it sounds - dark. empty. silent. vast. But at least it's been absolute. No question the pregnancy is over, no question I've been screwed over again, no question I deserve a reward for being in the tiny miniscule percent of woman who could possibly get two IVF ectopics.
So let me fill you in on what happened next. I couldn't even bring myself to say, "I told you so." It just would make my whole insides crumble. So I decided to focus on closing this one out as fast as possible. We opted for surgery to take the ectopic out (no way I was waiting for 15 weeks like last time) and also my doctor felt we should go in and see what the hell is going on in there. Feeling like a pro at egg retrieval, I thought the lap and hysteroscopy wouldn't be too bad, but damn - that is real surgery. It's no pansy-IV drip-egg retrieval-open your eyes in 20 minutes kind of thing. This was full on scary surgery where I felt the pain of the anesthesia shoot through my arm and then it took 2 hours to wake up, then my blood pressure dropped and had to be hydrated for 2 hours. So from 11am - 7pm, my poor husband wasn't told what was going on. He and my family were needlessly freaked out and I was so zonked out and feeling horrible to even know how much time was passing. So what did I get out of this heinous ride? Well, I have a trio of scars on my belly like pointless souvenirs from my three IVF losses. But here is the real kicker. After all that, everything is fucking healthy inside. My doc took a little edo out, but otherwise my tubes are healthy, my uterus is heathy, and my ovaries are healthy. So welcome to the lovely place called "Getting no where."
So I remain a medical mystery as to why I get ectopics. My doctor remains stumped that my first ectopic was in the right tube, my second ectopic was in the left tube, but both tubes are completely healthy. I didn't even lose a tube, they are both still in there. So that leaves me with the choice of trying another IVF with all the same risks and I can safely say, "Forget it." There is no way I am willing to risk another ectopic. So where does that leave me? I now open up this arena to the prospects of womb rental. Yes, Newsweek isn't the only one fascinated with surrogates. I have succumbed to the extreme options that I never thought I would have to face. I have a consultation with a surrogacy agency on Monday and I just keep staring at this paper work in awe of where I am headed. I can barely articulate where I've been, and now I can't even begin to describe the feeling of what I face ahead of me. Part of me feels like I am wimping out at 3 IVFs as I hear women doing 5, 6, 7 IVFs before moving on to surrogacy. But I feel I have made an honorable go at this IVF crap. It's enough. I've all but given up on my "healthy" womb that despite all logic refuses to give me a child. I really think at this point I can live without carrying a child. It's like if I had to choose between a fabulous wedding and my marriage. We all know a wedding is just a day, but marriage is a lifetime. So pregnancy is just 9 months, but having a child will be everyday of the rest of my life.