The Great Uterine Wall

Never has my uterus needed more of a break than now. In the three years of trying to conceive, this is probably the only moment in which timing has been on our side. What better way to escape from this infertility quagmire than to go far far away to China. My husband has a project in Beijing and I'm coming along for the ride! We depart this thursday and it's the perfect way for me to leave all my losses behind and fly fly away. The last time I was in Asia was in 1997 when I was working in Tokyo for the summer during grad school and I travelled through China and Thailand. So I feel a nostalgia for my more adventurous travel days when going to "unknown territory" meant jetting off to thrilling escapades instead of unsatisfying follow-up meetings with your RE.

According to my RE, my tubes are clearly not causing the ectopics. On the flip side, he thinks perhaps it's my uterus that is not cooperating. My Great Uterine Wall may be keeping the embryos out thinking they are hostile enemy. He proposes doing a uterine biopsy to see if it is abnormal. If it is, then he would proceed with a estrogen priming protocol and using an estring to thicken my lining, As I sat there listening to him, taking it all in, I said to myself, "Wait a minute, that all sounds nice and dandy but this would mean I have to do IVF#4?" As I said before, I have all but given up on my uterus so why would this give me any hope that she will cooperate? There is nothing to say that some more estrogen it just going to magically transform my Great Uterine Wall and whallah - baby. I just don't trust it anymore.

As much as this gives a miniscule glimmer of a chance that my uterus might still work, the prospects of a nice young and hospitable uterus is still incredibly appealing to me. In a nutshell, the surrogacy agency was extremely helpful and informative. The process is long but not too ridiculous in terms of steps. Basically after you actually find a surrogate there are some legals issues and medical testing and then the rest is just like if I was doing IVF on myself, just transfer happens with someone else. 

So it will help me to list the pros and cons here so I can get my head straight and then run off to China and pretend none of this exists in my life. 

Pros of Surrogacy

• A safe non-hostile environment for my embryos.
• No more testing and procedures for me to keeping chartering unknown territories that leave me lost and frustrated.
• No more ectopics
• A physical separation from potential loss. Maybe it will hurt a tiny bit less if I am not the one physically miscarrying?

Cons of Surrogacy

• Expensive!
• It would take 18 - 24 months if it worked the first time. If you have to cycle again it's even longer. I will be close to 40 if and when this ever works.
• I have to get use to the idea of letting a total stranger carry my child. 

Pros of doing IVF#4 on myself

• Not much, besides if it worked I would be pregnant way earlier than doing surrogacy. That's been the case for 3 IVFs already. But why would I believe something that's cried wolf too many times?

Cons of doing IVF#4 on myself

• Risk of new protocol not making any difference, which then creates all the following risks:
• Risk of Ectopic and all evil havoc that it causes
• Risk of Miscarriage because of my horrible luck, plus my blood clotting factor
• Risk of BFN
• Risk of total and complete annihilation of my heart.

So all in all, surrogacy is still winning the race. But for this very moment in my life, I'm going to leave behind this country, with all these questions in it, and go to a new country where life means new tastes, new sites, new sounds, new people, and not a needle in sight.

UPDATE: I've heard that apparently you can't access blogger.com in Beijing. So probably won't be able to post while I am away. But will certainly report back when I set foot on U.S. soil.