Monday, August 18, 2008

Co...cour...courage!

Sheeeeeeee's Baaaaack! Yes, dusted off and primped up, Little Miss Positive is out of the closet. Thanks to peesticksandstones for kicking her out of her hiding. There are a lot of reasons right now that Little Miss Positive is needed, but one very obvious reason is that I am scared. I'm scared of a lot of bad things happening and I'm scared because I've made a decision that puts everything at risk again. I've been accepted into a shared risk program at my new clinic and we've decided to try one last time on me as we wait for things to fall into place with a surrogate. So this means I'm on birth control now waiting to see if IVF#4 will actually happen in September. 

In the midst of this scary place, it's good to meet my old friend Little Miss Positive. We've been through a lot together. She was on my shit list for awhile after my recent ectopic disaster, but I've come to forgive and forget. Plus, I really need her now. I can see that fear is strangling me on a regular basis. It's taken hold of my controls and put me on autopilot. I fear I'm not doing my job right. I fear I'm losing my friends because of this isolation. I fear that my husband is going to get so fed up with my negativity. I fear all over again the IVF nightmares of another loss, especially another ectopic. I fear I will never get a surrogate match or worse it will fail in a surrogate. I am not able to stop these thoughts. So clearly I am in need of courage and in my recent search for it I couldn't seem to find that yellow brick road.

But I reached a turning point last week. I had a frenzied crazy hysterical conversation with my husband about my fears. I cornered him for yet another discussion on our next steps. I found myself over and over again trying to beat down his positivity by playing devil's advocate- What if I get another ectopic? What if the pregnancy gets complicated and my life is in danger? What if it's a waste of time? Blah, blah, blah. He got really upset with me and asked why I was trying to take away his hope. As you can imagine, I felt awful at that point. I explained that this is the fear talking and it's taken control of me. He responded with a very simple yet effective answer.

He said, "Courage is a decision."

"Oh..."[ long pause] "You're right," I said. 

Is it really that simple? I think for right now it is that simple. That seemed to burst the fear bubble, perhaps with the idea that even though I can't control outcomes I can control my decisions. I have a choice to go down so many scary roads and yet I have decided to have courage. I have decided to be positive again. I have to decide that I can handle more bad things happening. So that's what I am doing now. Courage isn't going to be handed to me by someone else. I'm the cowardly lion, that's for sure, but I guess I have to look for that Emerald City of Oz somewhere inside me. 

13 comments:

bleu said...

I am so very impressed with your fortitude and your courage. Much love.

tobacco brunette said...

Welcome back, Little Miss Positive!

After my first ectopic ruptured, I was terrified to do FET because the ectopic thing is just so dangerous and scary, so I understand your fear. But I applaud your courage and am wishing you the best of luck.

Sue said...

I don't think fear and courage are mutually exclusive, and trying is more terrifying than not doing anything at all. You are more courageous than you think.

Shinejil said...

I applaud your decision to have courage. I mean, we all have fear, but only the brave decide to proceed despite it to do what needs to be done. It's not an easy decision to make, though, and it shows what's your made of.

I'll be following along, hoping with LMP that this is the one.

alicia said...

awesome!! love the positive energy and glad Little miss positive is back too!! I love that saying courage is a choice, my husband always tells me being grumpy is a choice, that just pisses me off, but I like the courage one!

Elizabeth said...

Good luck to you, and I admire your courage.

Duck said...

I'm impressed your trying again, it;s so important to do it for yourself, 4 can be a lucky time?

luna said...

someone very smart said something like, courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it. hope you find that yellow brick road...

Ms Heathen said...

After all you've been through, I think that you're incredibly brave to put yourself through another cycle.

I hope that this is the one for you.

Kymberli said...

"Courage - ain't it the truth, ain't it the truth!"

Much hope and courage and luck and more courage on top of that. "Courage is a decision" - I've never thought of it like that but I will from now on. I've also been feeling somewhat scared and defeated lately, but I will make the decision to be brave in the face of so much uncertainty.

the Babychaser: said...

"Courage is a decision." I'm stunned by the simplicity of that statement. I share so many of your fears. It's like each time something else bad happens to you (like an ectopic), you learn that there's yet another thing out there to fear.

I'm in my 2ww for IVF cycle #4. Like you, I just signed on to my clinic's shared risk program. And after so many losses in so many ways, I have been drowning in my own fear.

But I'm going to think about what your husband said. Maybe I don't have to live so scared.

peesticksandstones said...

I was honored and humbled to meet Little Miss Positive in person!

Of course, not as honored and humbled to know her owner in person :)

Amy said...

I'm glad you decided to cycle again!