Sheeeeeeee's Baaaaack! Yes, dusted off and primped up, Little Miss Positive is out of the closet. Thanks to peesticksandstones for kicking her out of her hiding. There are a lot of reasons right now that Little Miss Positive is needed, but one very obvious reason is that I am scared. I'm scared of a lot of bad things happening and I'm scared because I've made a decision that puts everything at risk again. I've been accepted into a shared risk program at my new clinic and we've decided to try one last time on me as we wait for things to fall into place with a surrogate. So this means I'm on birth control now waiting to see if IVF#4 will actually happen in September.
In the midst of this scary place, it's good to meet my old friend Little Miss Positive. We've been through a lot together. She was on my shit list for awhile after my recent ectopic disaster, but I've come to forgive and forget. Plus, I really need her now. I can see that fear is strangling me on a regular basis. It's taken hold of my controls and put me on autopilot. I fear I'm not doing my job right. I fear I'm losing my friends because of this isolation. I fear that my husband is going to get so fed up with my negativity. I fear all over again the IVF nightmares of another loss, especially another ectopic. I fear I will never get a surrogate match or worse it will fail in a surrogate. I am not able to stop these thoughts. So clearly I am in need of courage and in my recent search for it I couldn't seem to find that yellow brick road.
But I reached a turning point last week. I had a frenzied crazy hysterical conversation with my husband about my fears. I cornered him for yet another discussion on our next steps. I found myself over and over again trying to beat down his positivity by playing devil's advocate- What if I get another ectopic? What if the pregnancy gets complicated and my life is in danger? What if it's a waste of time? Blah, blah, blah. He got really upset with me and asked why I was trying to take away his hope. As you can imagine, I felt awful at that point. I explained that this is the fear talking and it's taken control of me. He responded with a very simple yet effective answer.
He said, "Courage is a decision."
"Oh..."[ long pause] "You're right," I said.
Is it really that simple? I think for right now it is that simple. That seemed to burst the fear bubble, perhaps with the idea that even though I can't control outcomes I can control my decisions. I have a choice to go down so many scary roads and yet I have decided to have courage. I have decided to be positive again. I have to decide that I can handle more bad things happening. So that's what I am doing now. Courage isn't going to be handed to me by someone else. I'm the cowardly lion, that's for sure, but I guess I have to look for that Emerald City of Oz somewhere inside me.