Friday, July 18, 2008

I wish, I wish upon a star. Oh wait, I'm just dreaming

Sing along to the tune of "When you wish upon a star"
When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are
Anything your uterus desires will come to you
If you're sick of IVF dreams, no request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star as infertiles do

Is fate kind? Maybe it can happen naturally?
The sweet fulfillment of our secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue, your period steps in
and fucks with you
When you wish upon a star, am I a damn fool?

Fuck fuck, I got my god damn period today. How many of you still dream of having a natural pregnancy? As absurd and as impossible as that seems, I am sad to say that I still do. It's pretty laughable that there is even one ounce of hope for this since trying the old fashion way has never amounted to anything. I've only gotten pregnant with IVF. Even though I am suppose to be "on break" waiting for my surrogacy match, I am all too aware of when I am ovulating, when my LH surge is, when I might have implantation, when I feel every cramp in my body - praying it's not my period coming. So much for trying to forget about getting pregnant. I am all too aware of my hopes for somehow getting out of this hell hole sooner than later.

Against my better judgement, there is this little evil voice in me that keeps saying, "This is all bullshit and you are just going to get pregnant on your own." Even though I scoff at all the urban legends of people adopting or using a surrogate and then getting pregnant naturally afterwards or women doing years of IVF and then falling pregnant after quitting, I still have this childlike wish for impossible things. How many of us have heard these stories from people trying to comfort us even though this presumes somehow this is all our fault because we are apparently overly obsessed with our fertility. Most of the time these stories of oops-we-got-pregnant-naturally-after-all end up passing around because they are so unusual, not because they are common. But I find myself buying into that crap sometimes and thinking that this could happen to me. As soon as I get these ridiculous thoughts in my brain, I know I have already cancelled out the chance of this oops-natural-pregnancy just by the fact of being aware of it. My guess is that anyone who actually has one of those never truly expected it or hoped for it every second of their cycle. I've got to get this fantasy out of me. I can't keep feeling sad when I get my period. It's like I've regressed to my early days of trying naturally and feeling that pain every time the first red splotch appears, warning me of the blood flow to come. So I need to stop dreaming and wishing upon a star. There aren't even any stars in my Manhattan sky, just a lot of haze and heat.


Duck said...

Those dreams are hard to die, and if there is a scrap of hope, it's hard not to hang on...
In a weird way, there is some comfort letting go of that hope (without a lining of thicker then 2ish it will never happen ever). that dream for me is dead, and i feel better because of it.

bleu said...

It used to be something I moaned about. I always was bummed that I didn't have the ability to be "trying" even when on a break because, well I am gay and a single mama by choice, but I always hated that I couldn't still be able to try with a fresh sperm maker in the house.

But then I realized a while back that it may be easier this way since I don't go through what you are right now. You want to know the silly thing? One tile about a year into ttc#2 (2+ years back) I had a month where part of me hoped I was knocked up, and I hadn't tried that month. Pretty wild.

Much love.

luna said...

Its hard not to fantasize. Old dreams die hard. Beautiful image though!

Jaymee said...

I do not think those dreams ever die. I no longer have a uterus, and there are still times that I wish I was not in this situations. Telling you that everything is going to work out will not help. Maybe knowing that you are not alone will.
Wishing you the best in your surrogacy journey.

peesticksandstones said...

LOVE that illustration!

And yep, I can definitely relate. These past two months have been the only drug-free, miscarrying-free cycles I've had in over a year and a half. Which has made my imagination go wild.

Did you ever read "Waiting for Daisy"? That was a great book, but of course she goes to the ends of the earth and back to have a baby without success, gives up and then "oooops" she has one. I think that author is fantastic, but I still can't "forgive" her for that :)

Hang in there, lady! This hazy NYC heat is a killer. Definitely does not encourage me to go snuggling up with my husband to keep "trying" either...

Clever Trevor said...

I have those dreams on a monthly basis. I'm fertile and it's my DH that has the 'problem' so I am gutted every month when my period arrives.
There's always this slim chance that it might happen for us in the back of my mind.
Having said that 8 years of unprotected sex has resulted in natural pregnancies - zero, ICSI pregnancies - one!

alicia said...

that is a hard challenge you are trying to do, good luck! I can't imagine not secretly hoping with each cycle, natural or not, and then feeling that horrible disappointment. I agree that those stories are so uncommon they spread around a lot, but I have been told that many many times when telling people we are now adopting I usually just ignore that statment.

Ms Heathen said...

I agree with you completely, Tabi. Even though I know that the chances of us conceiving without medical assistance are tiny, I still hope that a miracle may somehow happen.

As others have said, it really is so very hard to let go of that fantasy.

Shinejil said...

I think that vague possibility is the ultimate form of torture in IF. Because sometimes, very rarely, it DOES happen. It's happened to people I know. Several of them. No shit.

But what does that have to do with you or me? We don't know. That's where the agony starts.

I have no advice here, except to say I'm with you. We all want a way out of this, and our minds struggle to invent one.

Rita said...

haze, heat and rain.
Dark ominous clouds.
And when I have that funny dream of ending up pregnant, I shake it off.

Pamela Jeanne said...

I keep thinking my rational side will get the upper hand when these kind of thoughts surface. I was later than usual this month (I'm like clock work). What did I do? Yes. Imagined beating the odds and found an unused peestick in the back of a cabinet. Negavito...two hours later Aunt Flo arrived.

Alicia said...

Hi! I'm new to your blog, but love it! It's awesome... thanks for helping us keep it real.

I have added your blog to my blogroll! I hope you don't mind! :)

Muffy said...

haha, sounds like my own thoughts....