Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Start or the End?

I know. Where have I been? I was all revved up for metamorphosis and my butterflying sort of got caught in a lengthy net - a sort of Hamlet moment of  "To use a surrogate, or not use a surrogate: That is the question."

I'll get to how I answered that question a little later. But first, my little craft glue project. I know maybe you were expecting some great mittens and scarves or some crochet throw, but it's been like a bazillion degrees in New York so the thought of such things makes me want to vomit. Sooooo, I went in a different direction. Inspiration can come from all over the place and this time it came from a soon-to-be expired vitamin bottle.

My little craft glue project represents what I title: "The Start or the End?" Now we all know the first tiny little invasive step we take with our bodies when we begin to dream of our beautiful baby is the good old folic acid increase. Some go straight for the rocket ship of prenatals, but I went for a wimpier mix of multi-vitamins and folic acid tablets. I started this regimen in December 2005. I took those damn pills everyday with the few exceptions of bleeding/miscarriage/ectopic times. The folic acid was just the beginning of my hopes for having a baby. I've been off duty since my last IVF disaster and those pills have remained in the pantry untouched. So I've found a better use for them.

Now for all the folic acid pills I have popped, I would expect a baby by now with a brain size of Texas with absolutely no neural tube defects. So my little glue project is here to represent this fantasy of "Folic Acid Woman=Folic Acid Baby." The irony is clear. I have no baby. My folic acid pills are about to reach their end date and so have I expired too? Does this starter vitamin really represent the end of an era, the end of innocence, the end of carrying my own child? 

This brings me to what we've finally come to decide. After much flip flopping, agony, stress, and opinion polls among family and close friends, I think we are going to move forward with a surrogate. The start and end points of infertility get so blurred along the way. You might be ending one kind of treatment and then starting a new treatment. You might be ending IUIs and starting IVF. You might be ending using your own body and starting a better road in another body. We are all starting and ending on a regular basis in life. After being paralyzed by indecision, neither starting nor ending anything, I've forced myself to both start and end with a decision. I'm still not sure we are doing the right thing. But the fact of the matter is, I will never know until something actually works. The REs can make their case for trying another IVF on me and I can certainly make the case that I don't need more losses, more ectopics, ruptured tubes, and endless guesswork about the whys. Like any major decision, you have to look clearly at what you want and what you need. I WANT a baby. I NEED to do this in a safe and healthy way for me and the pregnancy. So now do I really need folic acid anymore?

13 comments:

Not on Fire said...

You totally rock! I love the way that you express yourself. I am glad that you have found a way forward.

Mrs.X said...

I will never look at my prenatal vitamins the same way. Hah!

I'm so glad that you have reached a decision on your terms and on your time. Best of luck!

luna said...

love the art, and SO glad to see you haven't lost your touch. also glad you've got the outlet. happy with your decisionmaking fwd motion too.

Melanie said...

Isn't there beauty in making a decision?! (And of course beauty in folic dolls!). Good for you.

Shinejil said...

Wow. I love Folic Acid superbrain infant. You made me laugh so hard that my day just improved dramatically! Many thanks for that!

On a more serious note, I'm sending you a virtual pat on the back for proceeding the way your heart is leading you. You've really given it more than the old college try, and it's time to turn over a new leaf. Your boldness and thoughtfulness is a real comfort, too.

J. Nelson said...

I HATE prenatal vitamins! I was taking them for about as long as you. Now I'm inbetween cycles and taking a break. My colon thanks me. I laughed my ass off when I realized what you had done. Awesome outlet.

Not to pry. But has your Doc suggested removing your tubes? I had mine removed, because they where both block. The Doc said it would greaten my chances by half with IVF. I'm sure you've heard everything. I just felt like I had I to mention it.

Rita said...

After living in limbo and being indecisive for years I opted to take the folic acid (actually I was scared by a co-worker who had a baby at 52) until menopause, but I threw out the prenatal vits.

CC said...

Glad to see you're back. Ditto on the vitamin art--great.
As for your decision, it sounds like you're at peace with it. I can't imagine enduring the loss you have, and hope this path brings you the baby you've been waiting for.

the Babychaser: said...

Oh my god, I love your Folic Acid Family! So perfect for the occasion.

I think sometimes we just have to make a decision and leap. We're about to do that by jumping into the IVF shared risk program. Which just seems crazy, as I'm already 3 cycles down with no baby to show for it. But you have to decide, right? I think I'll feel better once the contract is signed and I can't back out. Hopefully the same will be true for you.

I'm both excited and sad for you. What an odd mix of emotions.

alicia said...

I say keep creating those masterpieces with the folic acid! So cool, you are so creative. And I am glad you have come to one end and a new start. I am excited to read about the process for surragocy.

Glad you posted again!

Ms Heathen said...

For a while, we followed a tailor-made programme of supplements which involved 20 different vitamin pills a day. Suffice it to say, it made not the slightest difference. Now I'm thinking about all the wonderful artwork I could have made with those pills!

I'm glad that you have been able to come to a decision that feels right, and wish you the very best of luck as you begin to look for a surrogate.

tobacco brunette said...

Glad your back and love the folic acid art. Looking forward to more posts!

kevzjo said...

what brand of folic acid was this? the pills look so tiny