Aunt's Day

I'm back in Beijing these days, but despite being miles away from home I am still quite aware of Mother's Day. I would much rather not be still in the child's role of sending out good wishes to my own mother and mother-in-law. I certainly at this point in my fertility journey would like to celebrate this day as a mom. But since I can't, I thought I should try to recognize the closest role I play to motherhood, which would be aunthood. Shouldn't there be a day of recognition to thank all the aunts out there who adopt some nurturing roles like good old Aunt Bee from the Andy Griffith Show and all the other aunts who step in sometimes to offer love?

Even though it can be hard to spend time with family when I am childless, I truly believe that I will be a warm memory for all my nieces and nephews someday who will look back on my love with fondness. Thankfully my siblings are done procreating so I don't have to feel the pain of new babies while I have all these fertility problems. I have eleven nieces and nephews between my family and my husband's family. So you could say I am a pro when it comes to being an aunt. Each one is a fun little kid who becomes my pal and feels at ease with me because I am not a parent. I am not a fellow child to them either. I am like some unicorn to them where I fall into some mythical category of neither child nor adult. If you ask my 8 year old niece how old she thinks I am, she'll answer "Thirteen!!" And sometimes that's how I feel when I visit family since I am the only one not a mom.

But I have to admit that my nieces and nephews think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. They jump into my arms and their pudgy little hands clasp my neck and I feel connected. I feel unconditional love. I feel like they can't get enough of me. Up until now, the best part of being an aunt was having that bond but never having to take responsibility for them. As soon as they cried or whined or freaked out I could safely say, "Go to your mom." Now I am in a position of wanting that maternal responsibility after years of being relieved I didn't have it.

There is the enduring stereotype of having a crazy single or childless aunt. For me, I have one of these off the beaten track aunts and I am also pretty sure I've become that kind of aunt too. My father's older sister was the renegade that broke all social taboos for her generation of women as well as her culture. She got married twice and divorced twice. She had her share of wild days as a young woman who broke a lot of rules. She was that same unicorn to me as a child. She was the aunt that I could watch movies with all night long. She was a pal and not a parent. Growing up I always knew that she was unable to have her own children but it never occurred to me until now what that meant.

Now at the age of 74 she's a single divorcée who is hip, fashionable, and looks about 40 years old. I've never once in my whole life asked her about how she felt not having her own children. It was never relevant until now. No doubt the pain she felt came out in all sorts of emotional ways as a young woman and we talked frankly about how hard it was in the late 50's and early 60's when she had intense pressure from in-laws, no medical help, and zero support from her friends. She told me how lucky I am to have other options like IVF and that she didn't have any choices. As much as I complain about IVF, I do have to admit that at least I have this option. I keep thinking how cool it would be if my aunt could be my surrogate and experience carrying a child - if only she was not in her 70s. We'd surely be profiled on Oprah.

So talking with her has given me a whole new perspective. She's always been a part of my life. She's been to every Christmas and Thanksgiving at our house. She's bought me a birthday present since the day I was born up until now. She's always been there and been enormously loving. I think about how she might have resented my mother or been jealous of her at times for having us. I think about how she deals with being single and childless at her age now. My appreciation of her love has changed tremendously by my own struggle with infertility. I've come to understand the meaning of an aunt's love, especially the kind from an aunt who has no children. Some might see this as a sad story. Indeed, it has aspects of sadness, just like my story does, but there is nothing sad about what she gave to me and my sister and brother. I know she had no other options to try for her own genetic child and a lot of her love was given to us instead. I have been blessed with living decades later at a time when medicine has advanced so tremendously. I haven't given up hope that I will make that transition from aunthood to motherhood someday, somehow. I know for sure that aunthood has been my greatest training.

P.S. I've been able to get access to my blog to read your comments. Thanks so much for reading while I am away!

Living in a mountain painting

You've all probably seen them - those Chinese ink paintings showing the jagged mountains so distinctive to China. Well, those are all showing the mountains of Guilin where many artists long ago were once exiled and discovered the intense beauty of this landscape. So we headed down South to Guilin to live a couple days in a Chinese ink painting.

I came to Guilin on my last trip to China and decided to bring hubby for a second time because it's a place like no other. As I've already mentioned about Beijing, Guilin is another example of a Chinese city that has grown immensely. Ten years ago I landed at a tiny military airport in the middle of the night and felt like I had arrived in North Korea. We had no idea where we had landed as there were no city lights in the distance and no one at the airport who spoke English. In 1997 my friend and I had naively left Hong Kong with no guidebook and no knowledge of the Chinese language. But to our delight, we were literally dropped into the beauty of Guilin totally unprepared. However, this time around, there is a new airport that matches the caliber of most smaller city airports and I again was stunned by how much time has passed. The city is highly developed with new cars, new neon signs, new business, and definitely a thriving tourist industry.

We did the standard Li river cruise which despite my annoyance that there are so many more boats now to handle so many more tourists, the mountains were just as I had left them 10 years ago. You snake down the river seeing all sorts of mountain landscapes and unload at the smaller city of Yangshuo. Just 8 hours from Vietnam, the climate is more wet and humid and so the mist hovering between mountains just added to the stunning views.

But my favorite part this visit was our fantastic bike ride through farms and rice paddies winding through these amazing mountains. I was so proud of myself that I managed to bike through the busy streets of Guilin and not get run over by a truck or hit by the zillion of other cyclists on their way somewhere. When we reached the more subdued country road I just relaxed and soaked in the surroundings. There is nothing like biking leisurely through a landscape that you only see in National Geographic or on television. It was breathtaking. I felt free.

Everyone should live in a painting once in a while.

I'll take one over none

China's one child policy has been around since 1979 to address social and environmental problems in the country and is still in place today. When walking around Pingyao I asked my guide what this poster was about and she explained that it listed those who received rewards from the government for not having a second child. These were specifically for people who had the opportunity to have another and chose not to. Most of the time this means women who had a daughter first and are then allowed to try for a son. Often times the policy is more relaxed in the country side. But for most other people there is no choice.

Of course from the perspective of an infertile, this situation seems so counter to what we are focused on in our lives. The idea of being rewarded for not having a second child is so far beyond my thinking as all I am is obsessed with a chance to have one child. We are paying truck loads of money to have a chance at just one, pretty please, baby. Can you imagine being financially rewarded for being infertile instead of paying out our eyeballs to get pregnant? I also tried to imagine being on the opposite side of the fence where my restriction was to not have more children. I am sure this is what secondary infertility feels like but just on different terms. But I can safely say at this point in my life that if I can manage to have just one child that is all I need. I can't possibly expect having more than one at this point in my life unless some miracle happens and I am blessed with more.

Another guide we had in Beijing was all for the one child policy as he felt that population control was still vital to the welfare of the people. He felt life was already so competitive for good jobs and resources that if the population exploded it would be very destructive. However, he did say that there are fewer women than men in China and that gap is growing. He is so eager to get married and have a family and finding it very hard to land a girlfriend. If only this was the problem in New York City. I know too many amazing single New York women who can't find someone who wants a real relationship or marriage and have to fight the ratio favoring men. But here in Beijing, he was on the hunt for a bride in hopes, as many others here, to find a partner in the lucky 8 year of 2008. Apparently many Chinese rush to get married on 8/8/08 or have a child this year because of the belief in the luckiness of the number 8. It's too bad I'm doing neither of those things this year.

P.S. I am able to post on my blog but not see my blog. The great firewall of China seems to not like me. So thanks for all your comments and sorry I can't read them until I get home. But so glad you are able to join me on my travels.

To All My Fellow Infertiles

My fellow infertile friends, step into this hall and say a prayer. This is a very special delivery to all you struggling with infertility. As much as I wanted to get my mind off this plight, a day in Pingyao was pregnant with thoughts of children. After our wonderful rest at the ranch, we headed out to Central China to a small historic town called Pingyao. We visited the Shuanglin Temple, which has a history of over 1500 years and famous for its painted clay figurines. Little did I know that it housed, yes, the GODDESS OF FERTILITY.

It says on this tablet:

"This hall was built in the reign of Ming Emperor Zhengde (1506-1521) and is where women came to pray for children..."

So you bet I prayed. I prayed hard. Our guide kindly explained how lots of children were a blessing (thanks, I didn't know that). She then pointed out the clay figurines around the goddess observing that one man holding four children had a very happy smile while the woman standing next to him with one child was angry. I could not help but laugh inside and think, "Where is the clay statue of the infertile woman who is enraged, crazed, bitter, and beyond unhappy?" Needless to say, the timing of our visit to the goddess of fertility was apropos.

So I hope this gives all of you a chance to speak with the goddess directly and not have to travel to China to pay a visit. She's got a lot of work to do among all of us and hope she pays attention.

I can't say enough good things about Pingyao. It's an ancient city that will knock your socks off. The oldest part of the town is walled off by a huge fortification and is like a time machine bringing you to an ancient world. The streets are full of merchants and the buildings date back thousands of years. For whatever reason, it seems to be off the radar for most American tourists. The only tourists that visit are mainly French and German. We were lucky enough to have a friend from Beijing who suggested going here. So I pass along that same suggestion to any of you out there who might find their way to China. It's a really unique and beautiful place.

We settled upon a great restaurant to eat for lunch. I felt like I was in a Wong Kar Wai movie (if you haven't seen his films, go rent some) with the kind of light shining in and the red lanterns. By the way, the food was fabulous in Pingyao. Famous for all sorts of noodles we gobbled up as much as we could. They also use a lot of fragrant hot peppers and chili oil you sometimes taste in Sichuan cooking. We inhaled our lunch savoring each dish. I tend to love a place more if I love their food.


Then our guide ordered this wonderful hot soup with pear and sour berries native to China. I've never tasted anything like it. As I slurped up spoonfuls our guide told us that pregnant women eat this soup all the time. They like the sour taste. She explained, "It's thought that if you like a sour taste you will have a boy and if you like a spicy taste you will have a girl." Of course I like both tastes, which I then inquired what that means, and she responded, "Twins." I know I am not pregnant, but I took all of this to be a good sign.

So as I close out this post, I leave you with another goddess that seems to be quite popular in this area. It's the Goddess of Mercy. Through all of my troubles and all of my losses, I've desperately needed some mercy. I hope it's coming my way and your way.

Off to the Ranch

So close your eyes and imagine a Manchurian hunting lodge nestled beside the Great Wall of China. Think about wild horses and barking dogs and the smell of smoky Mongolian BBQ. Think about still waters and stone walkways and pagoda lanterns lighting your pathway. That's where we stopped next after staying a night in downtown Beijing.

I spoke too soon. Internet service became really spotting after leaving central Beijing so my posts are a little behind. So to catch you up on my travels, we decided to go about an hour north of downtown Beijing and stay at this fantastic ranch in Yanxi Township, Huairou District. Naturally staying at this ranch brought little desire to get online. It felt like I was miles north in Mongolia, but this place is still technically in Beijing. The city of Beijing is huge, it just never ends.

The whole idea behind this place is to take ruins from buildings torn down and integrate them into this hotel. Above is our own little lodge we stayed in for two days.


So we loved the idea that this place preserve relics and pieces of buildings that have been torn down over the years. There are actual parts of the Great Wall dating to the first emperor Qin Shi Huangdi that are in this former hunting lodge horse stable and animal sighting pavilion. This is where we ate all our meals.


As you can see, it was a beautiful retreat from the crazy crowds on the more touristy parts of the Great Wall. Though our toilet broke and the bed was rock hard, and I couldn't bare to hear more new age Mongolian horse music while eating my meals, you can't beat staying at a place like this and feeling so far away from New York City.


And, certainly nothing can describe climbing the Great Wall and seeing this amazing structure. I didn't once think about my "Great Uterine Wall" when looking out across this vast wonder. That's progress.

Arrival

As I awoke this morning at 3am not able to fall back to sleep, I had hoped the blogger gods would be on my side. I am here to say that the blogsphere airwaves are open from over here in Beijing. Since New York time and Beijing time are exactly opposite of each other, I am hoping this has the same effect on my life. I can leave that sorrowful pained life of infertility at 6:40pm and be exactly opposite that here in Beijing at 6:40am. So forgive me if my posts may not be focused on baby making, or lack thereof. Now after much tossing and turning, the jet lag has me up and perky at an hour I would be usually dead to the world. The one thing I love about jet lag is that it achieves the impossible - making me a morning person.

So the birds are chirping sweetly as the sun is slowly creeping into our windows. My dear husband is snoring like a moose and I'm sitting listening to the city wake up. We are in a little haven from the sprawling hustle of Beijing, down one of the narrow corner streets in the older parts of town.We are staying at a little boutique hotel that is known for it's swank and kitschy Red Capitalism style. Our room is situated in a small traditional courtyard and adorned with an empress canopy bed with antiques and artifacts from the days of Mao.

And, on that note, boy have things changed here since the days of Mao. Even since the 10 years I was last here, I am stunned by how much Beijing has developed and grown in that time. On my last visit there was a vastness to the city, felt through its open spaces and huge government buildings. Now, my god, it's like everywhere I look a new high rise has been built. You can feel the anticipation for the Olympics as there are signs everywhere indicating its August arrival. The airport is now a mammoth and elegant modern structure that is ready to greet the thousands who will pour in here.

So it's an exciting time to be here. However, amidst this newer shinier Beijing, I do find it funny that I prefer sitting in this musty little room with the slight chill from the open courtyard and the quaintness of the creaky floors. On my last visit I feel like I witnessed the beginnings of rapid modernization here where construction sites were everywhere and there was a momentum of cultural and economic shift.


But I do have to say, as with all development, there are at times I have some nostalgia for the older Beijing, the less-Western-feeling Beijing, when I felt like I was in a place truly unique and alive with history. Back in 1997 there was just a McDonald's and KFC (which I admittedly ate at several times), but I hear now there is a Starbucks in the Forbidden City (just plain wrong) and now you see billboards with Reese Witherspoon selling perfume. It's odd. But these are some of the things that inevitably happen, and have already long happened in other Asian cities. This is by no means the desire to fulfill some need for the exotic, or to stop progress, but I am admittedly having tourist syndrome of wanting to experience something completely different from my home. No doubt this hotel is precisely for people like me, who want some Communist kitsch, so I'm falling right into their hands. But in general, I am not sure why I hold some romantic need for Beijing to stay put. It's probably because I don't want to feel old and that so much time has passed since I've been here.

The Great Uterine Wall

Never has my uterus needed more of a break than now. In the three years of trying to conceive, this is probably the only moment in which timing has been on our side. What better way to escape from this infertility quagmire than to go far far away to China. My husband has a project in Beijing and I'm coming along for the ride! We depart this thursday and it's the perfect way for me to leave all my losses behind and fly fly away. The last time I was in Asia was in 1997 when I was working in Tokyo for the summer during grad school and I travelled through China and Thailand. So I feel a nostalgia for my more adventurous travel days when going to "unknown territory" meant jetting off to thrilling escapades instead of unsatisfying follow-up meetings with your RE.

According to my RE, my tubes are clearly not causing the ectopics. On the flip side, he thinks perhaps it's my uterus that is not cooperating. My Great Uterine Wall may be keeping the embryos out thinking they are hostile enemy. He proposes doing a uterine biopsy to see if it is abnormal. If it is, then he would proceed with a estrogen priming protocol and using an estring to thicken my lining, As I sat there listening to him, taking it all in, I said to myself, "Wait a minute, that all sounds nice and dandy but this would mean I have to do IVF#4?" As I said before, I have all but given up on my uterus so why would this give me any hope that she will cooperate? There is nothing to say that some more estrogen it just going to magically transform my Great Uterine Wall and whallah - baby. I just don't trust it anymore.

As much as this gives a miniscule glimmer of a chance that my uterus might still work, the prospects of a nice young and hospitable uterus is still incredibly appealing to me. In a nutshell, the surrogacy agency was extremely helpful and informative. The process is long but not too ridiculous in terms of steps. Basically after you actually find a surrogate there are some legals issues and medical testing and then the rest is just like if I was doing IVF on myself, just transfer happens with someone else. 

So it will help me to list the pros and cons here so I can get my head straight and then run off to China and pretend none of this exists in my life. 

Pros of Surrogacy

• A safe non-hostile environment for my embryos.
• No more testing and procedures for me to keeping chartering unknown territories that leave me lost and frustrated.
• No more ectopics
• A physical separation from potential loss. Maybe it will hurt a tiny bit less if I am not the one physically miscarrying?

Cons of Surrogacy

• Expensive!
• It would take 18 - 24 months if it worked the first time. If you have to cycle again it's even longer. I will be close to 40 if and when this ever works.
• I have to get use to the idea of letting a total stranger carry my child. 

Pros of doing IVF#4 on myself

• Not much, besides if it worked I would be pregnant way earlier than doing surrogacy. That's been the case for 3 IVFs already. But why would I believe something that's cried wolf too many times?

Cons of doing IVF#4 on myself

• Risk of new protocol not making any difference, which then creates all the following risks:
• Risk of Ectopic and all evil havoc that it causes
• Risk of Miscarriage because of my horrible luck, plus my blood clotting factor
• Risk of BFN
• Risk of total and complete annihilation of my heart.

So all in all, surrogacy is still winning the race. But for this very moment in my life, I'm going to leave behind this country, with all these questions in it, and go to a new country where life means new tastes, new sites, new sounds, new people, and not a needle in sight.

UPDATE: I've heard that apparently you can't access blogger.com in Beijing. So probably won't be able to post while I am away. But will certainly report back when I set foot on U.S. soil.