It's a...

BOY!

Never thought I would post such a cutesy sort of picture, but feeling like the stork, funnily enough, is the way I experience having babies. That mythological bird is quite real in my world. Everything is looking good with our baby boy and A. is doing fabulous as always. It's really unbelievable to me that we will have both a daughter and a son. A truly double blessing.

As my new family is transforming, I feels like I sometimes need Olympian strength to manage so many balls in the air. Though I've been lucky to have storks in my life help carry the weight, the downside is sometimes your own body becomes sort of a second class citizen. I spend all this time thinking about my daughter's bodily functions, and then A.'s body, and then the new baby's body. I've found my own body to be rudely neglected. It gets no exercise; it feeds when there happens to be free time; it doesn't get much adult mental stretching; it doesn't groom that much; it doesn't sleep much. So this winter has been brutal to say the least. My immune system is clearly down. I've gotten the stomach flu 3 times, in between countless colds, and now currently recovering from the 4th bout of this damn stomach virus. I am realizing that as much as I am responsible for other bodies in my life, I am not much use if my own body is limp and exhausted. So today is a day where I celebrate storks but remember that my own body shouldn't be orphaned either.

Happy Holidays!

I was reluctant to put a pregnancy ticker on my blog, but in all this holiday cheer I decided to not be a grinch and worry about jinxes and dark clouds and caution, but instead put out some baby holiday cheer. We are 8 weeks and still going strong. A. is feeling very tired but powering ahead as always and I am beginning to envision life ahead with two kids. I still can't quite believe I will be one of those woman I've seen banging around the city with those God awful double strollers. I use to look at them struggling to get down the street or into a taxi and think, "Wow, I'm glad that's not me," and lo and behold, now that will indeed be me. But a friend of mine who has two daughters explained that if you can look at that life of baby frenzy as temporary, you will survive. I had more confidence in myself last year with my daughter that I could handle anything after infertility, but I am somehow doubting myself more when it comes to managing two so close in age. But in life there always needs to be a next challenge and I am taking a deep breath getting ready for 2011. Peace and good health to all of you dear readers.

How do I HEART thee? Let me count the ways.

The things I never got to do when I used my own body - 1) Feel pure, unadulterated, naive, confident joy finding out I was pregnant ; 2) Have the doctor say, just come back in 6 weeks ; 3) Feel my boobs and tummy swell with life ; 4) See a heartbeat on an ultrasound that was actually in my own uterus.

Today, for baby #2, we saw, via iphone, the round blob on the ultrasound with the heart beating strong. Up until now "the sibling project" has only been an abstract idea that seemed to "make sense" as the next step. It was almost something to be put on a spread sheet to layout all the steps as dryly and as rationally as possible. But seeing that it's for real and just may grow into a healthy baby is finally sinking in.

In many ways, going through this conjures up all the same old feelings of failure and loss my own body suffered over the years. It squelches any irrational hope that a mythical "oops" baby following adoption, donor egg, or surrogacy might arrive at my doorstep. I will never have a biological baby. This is how I have babies. These wonderful women are an extension of my own womb and eggs, and this is just how I make babies. I had one this way, I will have two this way, and I will have no other baby any other way. So does this leave me crushed? Not really. It makes me think about all these aspects of myself again, but I have managed to put that person so deeply hurt by that failure in a memory box that I don't feel is me.

A lot of people have commented that I have courage to go through surrogacy again, but I don't feel very courageous. I think I felt more courageous when trying with my own body knowing how much loss there could be, knowing I would have to live in constant limbo. For this second surrogacy journey, I feel like I know it worked well before and so it's not taking my entire soul to muster up enough courage to do it again. It's a different kind of launch pad. With surrogacy #1 it was still in testing mode with all the same potential disaster as using my own body. I know I am not free from tragedy and loss, but there is a feeling that my reproductive team at this point has become a well-oiled machine. Now I feel like the real courage I must find is to not let myself become the Tin man and not feel anything at all. I want to make sure that this seemingly disconnected way of having a baby still remains connected to my own heart.

BFP!

I am a bit in shock, but looks like my daughter will be a big sister next year. To our surprise, A. did an early beta right before Thanksgiving so we could know the good news as we stuffed our faces with turkey. Could she be more awesome? Beta is more than doubling and we'll see how the first ultrasound goes next week. So the journey begins again. Stay tuned.

The thaw

I am amazed by the technology. I mean, these cells are frozen Han Solo style and then poof, they melt into growing embryos. Needless to say, I am happy to report that two "totscicles" thawed beautifully and we transferred to A. with amazing speed and ease. We felt like we were in line for an amusement park ride. They led us through and then suddenly we were in the transfer room and it was like "okay, buckle your seat belts" and then it was over.

The best part about it was of course seeing A. again. It was so fun to have her see how much bigger our daughter is and how happy she is. I am still amazed she wants to take this journey again with us. I made sure when we walked into the clinic with our stroller to loudly pronounce to reception- "She was made here!" This was out of pride but also out of remembrance for all those sitting in the waiting room. I remember being a bit perturbed by people bringing their bouncing babies into a fertility clinic. But I wanted to give some hope and I wanted to make it clear - Don't scorn me, I went through hell to have this baby! The cool thing was there were two other couples in the waiting room who were also using surrogates so it seemed to be surrogate day at the clinic. In the end, our daughter charmed everyone. She was smiling and waving at anyone who passed by. Perhaps she knew we brought her back to her humble lab beginnings.

So the wait is on. But I feel no stress. Partly because this whole cycle was so quick and the decision still seems so abstract. But also it doesn't feel like life or death the way it was the first time. It's like after eating a delicious piece of cake and waiting to see if they will serve me an extra one. Either way I win.

Beta is November 29th. Let's see if we'll be thanking our lucky stars this thanksgiving holiday. Everyone out there reading, thanks for the support and have a fabulous Turkey Day.

Top Secret Mission

I've been avoiding this post because I am in complete denial. But we have decided to try for a sibling project with A. With much trepidation, I relaunch into outer space again heading for planet IVF. I never thought I would do this again but circumstances worked out to be able to travel this road again with A. This time with our frozen embryos.

My hesitation stems from so many levels of emotions. On the most positive end we want to expand our family and my husband and I finally figured out the way we can successfully make babies. It takes an orchestral effort, but we know it can be done. On the most negative end, we open up old wounds - running from deep emotional pain of losing the ability to have a biological kid, to deep anxiety of experiencing more loss, to deep financial pains, to deep worries of having to explain surrogacy, to deep fears it's too soon to have another baby, to deep insecurities that we are being greedy. I mean one is enough, two would be icing.

But despite all these scary thoughts, we are moving ahead. We are blessed to work with wonderful A. again and I have opened myself to whatever is meant to be. Just like the first time around, I have all these unknowns that create anxiety but until you take the leap you just don't know what fears will come true. So full speed ahead, we have our transfer this weekend.