I wish, I wish upon a star. Oh wait, I'm just dreaming

Sing along to the tune of "When you wish upon a star"

When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are
Anything your uterus desires will come to you

If you're sick of IVF dreams, no request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star as infertiles do

Is fate kind? Maybe it can happen naturally?
The sweet fulfillment of our secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue, your period steps in
and fucks with you
When you wish upon a star, am I a damn fool?

Fuck fuck, I got my god damn period today. How many of you still dream of having a natural pregnancy? As absurd and as impossible as that seems, I am sad to say that I still do. It's pretty laughable that there is even one ounce of hope for this since trying the old fashion way has never amounted to anything. I've only gotten pregnant with IVF. Even though I am suppose to be "on break" waiting for my surrogacy match, I am all too aware of when I am ovulating, when my LH surge is, when I might have implantation, when I feel every cramp in my body - praying it's not my period coming. So much for trying to forget about getting pregnant. I am all too aware of my hopes for somehow getting out of this hell hole sooner than later.

Against my better judgement, there is this little evil voice in me that keeps saying, "This is all bullshit and you are just going to get pregnant on your own." Even though I scoff at all the urban legends of people adopting or using a surrogate and then getting pregnant naturally afterwards or women doing years of IVF and then falling pregnant after quitting, I still have this childlike wish for impossible things. How many of us have heard these stories from people trying to comfort us even though this presumes somehow this is all our fault because we are apparently overly obsessed with our fertility. Most of the time these stories of oops-we-got-pregnant-naturally-after-all end up passing around because they are so unusual, not because they are common. But I find myself buying into that crap sometimes and thinking that this could happen to me. As soon as I get these ridiculous thoughts in my brain, I know I have already cancelled out the chance of this oops-natural-pregnancy just by the fact of being aware of it. My guess is that anyone who actually has one of those never truly expected it or hoped for it every second of their cycle. I've got to get this fantasy out of me. I can't keep feeling sad when I get my period. It's like I've regressed to my early days of trying naturally and feeling that pain every time the first red splotch appears, warning me of the blood flow to come. So I need to stop dreaming and wishing upon a star. There aren't even any stars in my Manhattan sky, just a lot of haze and heat.

A Disease of One's Own

Idiopathic is an adjective used primarily in medicine meaning arising spontaneously or from an obscure or unknown cause. From Greek ἴδιος, idios (one's own) + παθος, pathos (suffering), it means approximately "a disease of its own kind."

A simple word can be quite powerful. All that I needed was a letter from my RE stating my fertility history so my surrogacy agency could have it on record. The agency prefers to have the RE state that he has advised me to pursue surrogacy but since my case is so gray they told me just a fertility history would suffice. So I had told my RE that I just need my fertility history stated in a letter to give to the surrogacy agency. When I received my RE's letter in the mail I expected to see just the review of my three tragic IVFs on paper, typed out before me as another confirmation of my story. But at the end of his recap, my RE stated, "Due to idiopathic uterine defects, it appears that [my name] will not be able to carry a pregnancy to term."

Whoah! At first I felt sort of stunned by this. All I could look at were the words "will not be able to carry." Was he just saying this so the surrogacy agency would work with me? Did he finally have a diagnosis for me and why had I not heard it before? Why was I so hurt by the wording? Why did I even care if I want to do surrogacy anyway? Clearly I was still holding on to some hope that I could carry a pregnancy. All the REs I talked to never made it so permanent by declaring I cannot carry. The uncertainty of my case made all of them assume I still had a chance verses assuming I no longer had a chance. I guess I wanted to feel like I wasn't forced to choose surrogacy, but I was making a choice to spare my body potential pain. It wasn't an issue of "can't" but "won't." 

But then I turned to the word idiopathic. What the hell did that mean? And then I realized how little it really means. It essentially describes my entire experience with baby making. It's been my "own suffering" due to unknown cause. I have my very own special disease. If I were Virgina Woolf, my book would be called "A Disease of One's Own." All this to say that it's the medical world's total cop out term. So unscientific. So obscure. So unanswerable. So lacking cause. It points to that space where all the brains, teaching, higher education, and fancy degrees are meaningless. It's a diagnosis that says nothing. I read online that in the book The Human Body by Isaac Asimov, he comments that the term "idiopathic" is a "A high-flown term to conceal ignorance." I also read that in the television show House, the main character says the word "comes from the Latin, meaning 'we're idiots, because we don't know what's causing it.'"

So yes, due to my idiopathic bad luck, my idiopathic losses, my idiopathic uterus, my idiopathic fallopian tubes, my idiopathic life, I've moved on to surrogacy -- but for me, not for the diagnosis. It's the big unknown whether I could ever carry myself but I am reminded that we are beyond that question now. I realized I still hold out hope that I could carry someday but right now it's just not feeling like the right move. But wouldn't it be great if this word could actually be of some use to me? Could it be loosely thrown around explaining myself to stupid fertile people? For instance:

"Oh, you asked when will we have kids? Due to idiopathic uterine defects we are a little delayed on that front."

"Oh, you want me to come to your baby shower? Due to my idiopathic uterine defects my RSVP is NO."

"Oh, you are pregnant again? Well, I have idiopathic uterine defects so would you mind fucking off?"

Good plumbing. Why the clogs?

As I wait patiently for my surrogacy agency contracts to arrive in the mail, we had the thought that we could possibly fit one IVF in this summer to freeze our embryos in preparation for the surrogate. We could sign on with this agency now and while we wait for a surrogate match, we could fit in an egg retrieval. This gave me that bizarre satisfaction of not wasting time. This cycle could give us a sense of how this new RE and new protocol work for my egg production. Maybe we could do PGD and see it as a test round? Maybe we can get into their shared risk program? But most of all, maybe this will ensure that once my surrogate is ready we can transfer those embryos immediately. Saving time is my addiction. Gotta have it. Of course there is a small part of me that thinks if we got more than 3 good embryos in this prep round that I would be tempted to just put one in me for the hell of it? If I get a BFP and it fails or BFN then I still have the other embryos on ice for the surrogate? Is this crazy talk?

It all seems comforting to cover all my bases. But it still forces me to think about plumbing. My plumbing. The two clogs I had this year were not to be taken lightly. Since I might be tempted to transfer one in me (if circumstances seem right),  I opted to follow my new REs request to do another HSG exam. I had done one in 2006 with normal results which is why we never imagined ectopics being a problem. But I figured the health of my tubes has probably changed dramatically since the two IVF ectopics and the surgery. 

So naturally when I raced up to the radiology center this morning I was bracing myself for the results of bad rusty pipes - the kind that a plumber would recommend ditching altogether. As I worked out all my insurance and logistical medical mess with the front desk, a woman sitting next to me said, "Did you take any motrin?" This was the secret handshake needed for us to know that we both were infertile. We exchanged horror stories and then she was called in. Then I was called in. As I waited in my blue gown with the bottom half of my birthday suit, the same woman came out shaking. She told me both her tubes were blocked and that she screamed in pain. So then I really got scared - scared of the results and scared of the pain. I had gotten a little cocky since the last HSG was painless and also with all this IVF crap making me feel like you could stick an elephant in there and I will be okay. But suddenly the panic set in. 

Noticing my face falling, she asked again, "Did you take motrin?" 

I told her in a higher pitch than normal, "Yes, but an hour ago so maybe it is wearing off?" 

She quickly grabbed her motrin bottle out of her purse and gave me two tablets. "Take it!" she commanded. 

With no water in sight and my pathetic inability to swallow pills I went into survival mode and just starting chewing up those motrin pills like prey running from its predator. 

As I was called in and briefed by the doctor, he nodded and sighed, presumably concerned over my two ectopics and what pain this exam might cause me. "Not a good sign," I thought. As they lay me on the table and I put my legs on the extremely high stirrups, they strapped my feet in - doubly not a good sign. Clearly people flail around in pain during this. 

But like many suspense dramas, lead up can be way scarier than what we see behind the curtain. The ink went up beautifully into both my tubes with zero pain and the doctor was in and out in less than 5 minutes. They were amazed, as am I, at how good my plumbing is after such trauma. I have scoured the internet to find others like me who have survived two IVF ectopics and still have both tubes. I'm a rare alien breed. It's hard enough to find someone with two IVF ectopics, but even harder to find one whose kept their tubes. Most people I meet online with ectopics I hear that their tube ruptured causing the loss of a tube. Others have elected to take them out because of damage. But me, my blessing was I got away clean. Sure I could do more advanced tests but this is the third time I've been told that my tubes look healthy. So of course this continues the million dollar question of why does my good plumbing get clogs? Will it get more clogs? Will I ultimately have to tear out my good plumbing after continual unexplainable clogs? For god sakes, what makes a perfectly good tube let an embryo get stuck in there? We'll never know clearly, and once again I have that twisted satisfaction/frustration of being "normal" but not really normal. 

The Start or the End?

I know. Where have I been? I was all revved up for metamorphosis and my butterflying sort of got caught in a lengthy net - a sort of Hamlet moment of  "To use a surrogate, or not use a surrogate: That is the question."

I'll get to how I answered that question a little later. But first, my little craft glue project. I know maybe you were expecting some great mittens and scarves or some crochet throw, but it's been like a bazillion degrees in New York so the thought of such things makes me want to vomit. Sooooo, I went in a different direction. Inspiration can come from all over the place and this time it came from a soon-to-be expired vitamin bottle.

My little craft glue project represents what I title: "The Start or the End?" Now we all know the first tiny little invasive step we take with our bodies when we begin to dream of our beautiful baby is the good old folic acid increase. Some go straight for the rocket ship of prenatals, but I went for a wimpier mix of multi-vitamins and folic acid tablets. I started this regimen in December 2005. I took those damn pills everyday with the few exceptions of bleeding/miscarriage/ectopic times. The folic acid was just the beginning of my hopes for having a baby. I've been off duty since my last IVF disaster and those pills have remained in the pantry untouched. So I've found a better use for them.

Now for all the folic acid pills I have popped, I would expect a baby by now with a brain size of Texas with absolutely no neural tube defects. So my little glue project is here to represent this fantasy of "Folic Acid Woman=Folic Acid Baby." The irony is clear. I have no baby. My folic acid pills are about to reach their end date and so have I expired too? Does this starter vitamin really represent the end of an era, the end of innocence, the end of carrying my own child? 

This brings me to what we've finally come to decide. After much flip flopping, agony, stress, and opinion polls among family and close friends, I think we are going to move forward with a surrogate. The start and end points of infertility get so blurred along the way. You might be ending one kind of treatment and then starting a new treatment. You might be ending IUIs and starting IVF. You might be ending using your own body and starting a better road in another body. We are all starting and ending on a regular basis in life. After being paralyzed by indecision, neither starting nor ending anything, I've forced myself to both start and end with a decision. I'm still not sure we are doing the right thing. But the fact of the matter is, I will never know until something actually works. The REs can make their case for trying another IVF on me and I can certainly make the case that I don't need more losses, more ectopics, ruptured tubes, and endless guesswork about the whys. Like any major decision, you have to look clearly at what you want and what you need. I WANT a baby. I NEED to do this in a safe and healthy way for me and the pregnancy. So now do I really need folic acid anymore?

Craft Therapy: Paper Cutting and Metamorphosis

As I said before, I need to get back to myself. I need to feel like I am creating things even though I am unable to create life. I would say I am certainly needing some kind of metamorphosis. As I face my 37th birthday this Saturday, I need to rejuvenate and reinvent. I've been cocooning myself since my ectopic to self-preserve, but it's lonely in here. When I was in Pingyao, we met a master paper cutter who's the Edward Scissor Hands of my dreams. If only I could cut paper like this and create these magical forms! Wen Tao learned paper cutting at the age of 7 and studied decorating design. She now designs and creates paper-cut works and keeps this art alive. She made these amazing butterflies for me for free and I think the video says it all. 

I chose to actually buy from her a beautiful paper cut work with a pattern of peonies and pomegranates. A pomegranate is suppose to symbolize fertility because of its many seeds. I found that there is so much hope and wishful thinking embedded into all these symbols in China. Good fortune, health, long life, and fertility seem to come up in so many images. A lot of it comes from the way Chinese language is structured. For instance, the word "carp" in Chinese is similar sounding to the word "profit" so it therefore becomes a symbol of good fortune. English really lacks that kind of relationship. The word "luck" can sound like fuck, stuck, muck, suck, yuck, which is pretty accurate to my own special relationship to luck, but certainly doesn't resonate its true intended meaning.

So since being home, the culture of signs, symbols, and superstitions have made me look around for signals of change. Most of my life remains the same as when I left for China so it's been hard to not feel stagnant. Even my two single girl friends who've been struggling to find someone for years are both suddenly happily dating people right now. It's like I am waiting for something, anything, to change in my life for the better instead of for the worse and I'm feeling left out in that department.

In the solitude of my infertility cocoon, I've been trying to understand how to better myself in ways that have nothing to do with my uterus. I've taken up violin again. I'm digging out an old book proposal I never actually sent out to publishers. I'm emailing old friends to reconnect. I'm looking at job listings. Summer is pretty much here and it's strange to have no IVF to plan since I've been going at this non-stop. I realize my entire life structure has been so reliant on IVF that I'm not sure what to do with myself. So I am trying hard to find a sense of change and progress besides menstruation, drug doses, ultrasounds, and egg retrievals so that maybe, just maybe, my "inner butterfly" can be set a flight.

Besides looking for a better a career direction, I've made a pledge to start "Craft Therapy" to hopefully satisfy this need for progress. This means I will be getting back into all my crafting - knitting, embroidery, sewing, silk-screening, and yes I'll even try some paper cutting. I think there is a very deep-seeded therapeutic benefit from making things with your hands and having that object have function, beauty, or symbolism. I think it has a lot to do with setting a goal and making it happen - something that baby making has failed to live up to and causes nothing but utter frustration. I think having projects that I can actually finish will give me, on a smaller scale, that emotional satisfaction that infertility seems to be draining from me. I welcome you all to join in!

Assignment #1: (For myself and any other infertile crafters out there) Create a craft project that either expresses something about this infertility journey or creates a symbol of hope (Remember Little Miss Positive? She misses all of you and hopes to reemerge soon).

Back to Art, Back to Myself

Since being back in Beijing this past week, my schedule has slowed down from non-stop tourist travel to a more lazy wandering mode. When I first arrived, I was nostalgic for the older Beijing I had experienced 10 years ago. I didn't want to see or feel any Western influences. But after two weeks in China, I admit I've come to miss some basic conveniences, like language. I would like to take a taxi, order food, and find my way without a major struggle. Barely knowing any Chinese besides "hi" and "thank you" leaves you quite limited in the smooth flow of life. So without a guide to help me out, I've been reduced to silly hand motions and being at the mercy of taxi drivers who could take me anywhere. I did in fact eat at KFC. I even bought a hot tea at Starbucks. I'd also like to at this point always use a Western toilet. What can I say, I've broken out of my need for historic Beijing and have welcomed getting to know the more modern Beijing.

In this friendship with the newer Beijing, my most enjoyable discovery was the contemporary art scene. In the north-east part of the city there lies the entrance to the 798 Art District. You would think passing it that is was just another compound in the outskirts of Beijing, but inside you'll find the biggest collection of galleries and studios in China. Contemporary art in Beijing has really been blossoming and it was exciting to see what has been brewing with local artists.

As with so many roads in Beijing, workers are constantly ripping up and re-bricking or re-paving. It sort of marks the entire character of China these days of doing away with the old (for better or for worse) and paving a new way. So in this space, built in the 1950's by the East Germans originally as a top-secret weapons factory, there are piles of dirt, rocks, and gravel creating an obstacle course maze leading no longer to military factories but to thriving art galleries.

But the dirt in your shoes is well worth it to see the exciting exhibitions of paintings, sculpture and photography. The gallery spaces themselves were also interesting to see as you discover large scale galleries similar to New York's Chelsea scene, but also little pockets of tiny galleries. Here's some highlights from my gallery crawling:












The streets proved just as interesting with sculpture and graffiti scattered throughout:










So it's been really nice to get back to art and to get back into feeling I want to be creative. Ever since my ectopic and all that ensued, I've been pretty stunted in terms of my infertility art. When I started this blog I had felt such a need to express things visually, but I think the sadness of IVF#3 just stagnated any need for creativity. As I close out my trip to China and I now face returning home, I hope seeing this artistic energy in China rejuvenates that part of me. I've been feeling like one of these Beijing roads that's been chipped away to its dirt origins to be filled in layer by layer to pave a new road. I've been stripped down to the bare minimum of who I am after so much loss, disappointment, and sadness. I know when I return that I will have no choice but to begin re-piecing myself back together.

P.S. Though the earthquake in China today was in Chengdu, tremors were felt here in Beijing. Luckily no damage here, but at lunch when it hit, my husband and his friend said they suddenly felt dizzy and then we all saw the chandeliers swing. They thought it was the beer they were drinking and I was so clued out I didn't even realize what was happening. 

Aunt's Day

I'm back in Beijing these days, but despite being miles away from home I am still quite aware of Mother's Day. I would much rather not be still in the child's role of sending out good wishes to my own mother and mother-in-law. I certainly at this point in my fertility journey would like to celebrate this day as a mom. But since I can't, I thought I should try to recognize the closest role I play to motherhood, which would be aunthood. Shouldn't there be a day of recognition to thank all the aunts out there who adopt some nurturing roles like good old Aunt Bee from the Andy Griffith Show and all the other aunts who step in sometimes to offer love?

Even though it can be hard to spend time with family when I am childless, I truly believe that I will be a warm memory for all my nieces and nephews someday who will look back on my love with fondness. Thankfully my siblings are done procreating so I don't have to feel the pain of new babies while I have all these fertility problems. I have eleven nieces and nephews between my family and my husband's family. So you could say I am a pro when it comes to being an aunt. Each one is a fun little kid who becomes my pal and feels at ease with me because I am not a parent. I am not a fellow child to them either. I am like some unicorn to them where I fall into some mythical category of neither child nor adult. If you ask my 8 year old niece how old she thinks I am, she'll answer "Thirteen!!" And sometimes that's how I feel when I visit family since I am the only one not a mom.

But I have to admit that my nieces and nephews think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. They jump into my arms and their pudgy little hands clasp my neck and I feel connected. I feel unconditional love. I feel like they can't get enough of me. Up until now, the best part of being an aunt was having that bond but never having to take responsibility for them. As soon as they cried or whined or freaked out I could safely say, "Go to your mom." Now I am in a position of wanting that maternal responsibility after years of being relieved I didn't have it.

There is the enduring stereotype of having a crazy single or childless aunt. For me, I have one of these off the beaten track aunts and I am also pretty sure I've become that kind of aunt too. My father's older sister was the renegade that broke all social taboos for her generation of women as well as her culture. She got married twice and divorced twice. She had her share of wild days as a young woman who broke a lot of rules. She was that same unicorn to me as a child. She was the aunt that I could watch movies with all night long. She was a pal and not a parent. Growing up I always knew that she was unable to have her own children but it never occurred to me until now what that meant.

Now at the age of 74 she's a single divorcée who is hip, fashionable, and looks about 40 years old. I've never once in my whole life asked her about how she felt not having her own children. It was never relevant until now. No doubt the pain she felt came out in all sorts of emotional ways as a young woman and we talked frankly about how hard it was in the late 50's and early 60's when she had intense pressure from in-laws, no medical help, and zero support from her friends. She told me how lucky I am to have other options like IVF and that she didn't have any choices. As much as I complain about IVF, I do have to admit that at least I have this option. I keep thinking how cool it would be if my aunt could be my surrogate and experience carrying a child - if only she was not in her 70s. We'd surely be profiled on Oprah.

So talking with her has given me a whole new perspective. She's always been a part of my life. She's been to every Christmas and Thanksgiving at our house. She's bought me a birthday present since the day I was born up until now. She's always been there and been enormously loving. I think about how she might have resented my mother or been jealous of her at times for having us. I think about how she deals with being single and childless at her age now. My appreciation of her love has changed tremendously by my own struggle with infertility. I've come to understand the meaning of an aunt's love, especially the kind from an aunt who has no children. Some might see this as a sad story. Indeed, it has aspects of sadness, just like my story does, but there is nothing sad about what she gave to me and my sister and brother. I know she had no other options to try for her own genetic child and a lot of her love was given to us instead. I have been blessed with living decades later at a time when medicine has advanced so tremendously. I haven't given up hope that I will make that transition from aunthood to motherhood someday, somehow. I know for sure that aunthood has been my greatest training.

P.S. I've been able to get access to my blog to read your comments. Thanks so much for reading while I am away!